Category Archives: Freak Speak

Freak Speak

Between football and baseball, football’s #1 and baseball’s #8 or so.

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Humor Post #126 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Yo, peeps. If you’re watching the baseball playoffs, you’re probably watching some great baseball. You and about fifty people around the world.

Yeah, I’m exaggerizing. Millions do watch, but very few millions. Now me, I like baseball. This year I’m for the Pirates. Or Cleveland. Or Oakland. Or anybody else who doesn’t win the World Series too often. (Or ever.) Or I cheer for some team whose city is often put down. Hey, it’s easy to root for teams who usually win and who can afford to spend $25 million for one crummy player — see NY Yankees and one Alex Rodriguez — or for cities that have big tourist business, but to me it’s much more exciting to see underdogs win. I mean, who plans a vacation trip to Cleveland or Detroit?

So what do I mean by that oh so mysterious title of mine? Well, I’ll explain. I was online reading ESPN — my favorite news site — and I clicked on MLB (for Major League Baseball) to see what time different playoff games were on. But what I found out was how little interest there is even in teams’ home towns. For example, tonight Tampa Bay is playing Cleveland. At Cleveland. As you may know, Cleveland has had some pitiful press lately, what with that guy imprisoning those women for ten years and so on. You’d think they’d be going crazy over their team. But this morning there were still over 800 tickets still available for the game. (If you don’t believe me, go to this page and check it out for yourself.

HUH? They can’t even fill up their own stadium for a playoff game? Why am I using my (incredibly valuable) time to watch something that can’t even sell out where it happens.

It gets worse. There are 4-5,000 seats available for most all the games through the weekend. And Monday and Tuesday, the Dodgers and Detroit have around 10,000 tickets unsold! Those little guys (the tickets, not the players) are probably sitting around hoping someone will adopt them or else they’ll get tossed into the garbage like… well, like garbage. LA has like 10 million people or somewhere around that and they can’t sell out their ballpark? Please! Aren’t these the most important games of the year?

I don’t think football has this problem. People go crazy over the pro playoffs. Heck, on Saturday afternoons, even college games don’t have any trouble selling out. I think it’s Michigan that packs in like 108,000 people for their home games. 108 thousand?? They probably have to pass out oxygen masks for the people sitting in the top rows. They should at least provide telescopes.

Compared to football, baseball doesn’t cut it in fan support. Point made. Game, set, and match to Dr. Crankenfuss. Baseball, make yourselves more relevant or you might lose probably your most important fan. That would be me, of course.

From your dude with the ‘tude,
The sports-loving Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

My first video’s online/ And I have to admit it’s mighty fine

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Humor Post #125 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Hello to all from your new rap star Dr. Crankenfuss. Yep, that’s right. I have a new rap video online at YouTube at this page. The rap is around two minutes long and there’s under 150 words in all and I think I said a lot in that time/space. So check it out and then come back here for more news. (Oh, yeah. And hello to all you writers at Weekend Writing Warriors. That’s a very cool site for writers that you should check out.)

Hello again, all you rap fanatics out there. The video’s not too shabby, is it? I guess you could tell that wasn’t me exactly. It’s a Dr. Crankenfuss puppet but I’m okay with that. He’s pretty cool looking actually. I welcome any and all comments because I know they’ll be awesome. (At least I hope they are.) You can put your comments on the YouTube page or here on this page. Thanks for looking.

Daniel and me, we’re already working on our next video. It’s also based on one of my raps that I put up on this site a while back. You can look it up by typing “Why Can’t I Be a Hip Hop Star?” in the search box. We added music, changed the lyrics some, and I’ve been practicing my dancing so I won’t look like a total idiot. But like the rap says, my hopes ain’t too high on that.

Talk to you soon.

Your Rappin’ Dude with the ‘Tude (and now his own video),
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Think you can do 4th grade Math? Think again. Try these!

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Humor Post #124 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Okay, first things first. My Dr. Crankenfuss Puppet Video is almost finished and will come out soon. It is very cool. Promise!! And soon DOES mean soon. So keep checking back. After all, there’s nowhere else in the world that will have anything like a genuine Dr. Crankenfuss Puppet Video!

Now it’s back to what I promised you in the title. The last time I did this was in May of last year (2012), right before the EOG tests. Well, now that school’s started again, here are some more 4th grade Math problems that I found in a friend’s little brother’s Math book. I didn’t pick out the easy ones. What’s the fun in that? No, these are the ones that gave ME trouble (even though I’m in middle school)! But I got them right, I’m sure. And if you’re the first one to get them right, I’ll praise you to the skies on this blog and let everyone know how smart you are. (I may even convince Daniel to send you a free book of his.) Now you have to be 7th grade or younger to be eligible here. These aren’t too hard for a grownup. (Well, for some grownups anyway. BTW, that would be a cool thing to do. After you’ve done these, see if one of your parents could get them right. Or at least an older sister or brother. But it’s no fair if they help you.)

So here they come. AND NONE OF THEM ARE TRICK QUESTIONS.

1) What the greatest amount of money in coins you can have and still not be able to give exact change for a dollar? (Hint: it’s definitely over a dollar.) ____________ Now, name the coins you’d need to add up to that amount. _______________________________________________________________________________

2) There are six people at a dinner at a restaurant. If everybody shakes hands with each other once, how many handshakes will take place in all? (And like I said before, this isn’t a trick question. No fair saying someone shook two people’s hands at once, or stuff like that.)   _________ handshakes in all

3) If October 8th is on a Friday, on what day is December 8th? (Yes, it’s the same year!) ___________________________

4) Fill in the next number in this sequence: 0, 1, 4, 11, 26, _____

That’ll do it. Piece of cake, no? I didn’t think so. Man, if fourth graders can do these, they’re in the wrong grade. Hey, they’re probably in the wrong school! Now I’m not posting the answers yet. I’ll wait till someone gets them all right. (I may have to throw in a hint or two if people are having trouble.) So put on your little beanie with the propeller on it and get to work. Send it to me by replying to this post and I’ll publish your answers. You have nothing to lose but your pride.

Talk to you soon.

From your Dude with the ‘Tude (and a tired brain from doing these problems),
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

The Crankenfuss Puppet Has Arrived/ In 3 Weeks You’ll See Him Live

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Humor Post #123 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Hooray! Daniel’s ordered a puppet that I get to manipulate as I do some of my raps.

How cool is that?

As some of you know, we posted puppet raps for two of Daniel’s books. Here’s the one for LOVE THUG and here’s the one for STORIES GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SICK. But Daniel’s not satisfied with just those. So he’s ordered some new puppets to help him do some raps. AND I GET TO GO FIRST. It’ll be about three weeks or so till we get it finished, but it’ll be awesome. In the meantime, here’s a photo of the new puppets with the most handsome one second from the right.

Here's our four puppets so far with the best looking guy second from the right.
Here’s our four puppets so far with the best looking guy second from the right.

Gotta go. Have to start working this little version of myself. This little dude is cool!

From Your Dude with a ‘Tude (and a new puppet),
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Want to Get Rich/ Without a Glitch?/ It’s a Matter of Which/ Wagon to Hitch

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Humor Post #122 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Today I’m not going to be honest! Yeah, you heard me. Mr. Straight Talker is going crooked. Here’s why.

I was thinking of some clever way to tell people how to get rich and put it in one of my crazy raps, you know? I was due for a good rap. But all I could think of was to work hard and do what you’re told and stuff like that. What’s the fun in telling people that? They can get that junk from their parents or their teachers. So I let my imagination go and this is what I came up with. I don’t really think it’s great advice, but it’s a great rap and that’s what really counts.

So anyway, here’s my poem.

HOW TO GET RICH (THE EASY WAY)
by Dr. Crankenfuss

Say, you got money on the brain?
Wanna make so much, you’ll go insane?
Parents try to steer you to medicine or law,
But those salaries don’t leave me in awe.
Their pay don’t come close to approachin’
The Benjamins earned in basketball coachin’.
Coach K takes in near 11 mill;
His kids’ path in life is hardly uphill.

But actors and athletes —
Their aim’s the same —
To entertain —
They make bigger bucks and they get uber fame.
But if you’re more private; don’t need the adulation,
Be the CEO of a big corporation.
Your take home pay will be hundreds of mills;
Makes it kinda easy to pay the light bill.

Want even more? (But this ain’t easy to fake.)
Move to Arabia. Become an oil sheik.

But even though all these plans are jivin’
They still take lots of work or connivin’.
I want something easier: coin without sweat;
Don’t want a long term nine-to-five permit.

So my plan to get everyone all hot on me?
Plunk my dollars down on the Powerball Lottery.
My chances ain’t great, but they’re probably better
Than all those schemes I’ve listed in this letter.
I’m not a hard worker and my grades usually suck
So I’m hitchin’ my wagon to Lady Luck.
So while you’re out there worryin’ ‘bout your next job placement,
I’ll be counting future winnings in my parents’ basement.

The End

See, it’s meant to be ironic. I don’t really believe you should count on winning the lottery to make a living. THAT’S DUMB! (That’s why I put in that last line.) My mom says the lottery is a tax on dumb people. I know what she means, but hey, somebody DOES win sometimes so they sure weren’t dumb.

Anyway, that’s all I got for you this time. Hope you liked the rhymes, at least. Maybe I could start a bunch of raps called Raps for Dumb People. (And don’t go telling me I’ve already done that!)

I’ll shut up now.

From Your Dude with a Screwy ‘Tude (but just for today, I hope),
Dr. Crankenfuss