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Freak Speak

Why can’t teams decline to take foul shots and keep the ball instead?

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Humor Post #42 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

As I’ve said many times here before, I like sports. Watching them at least. I’m not the greatest in them but I’m never the last one taken in a game so I guess that’s better than nothing. But that doesn’t mean that sports are perfect. After all, they were invented by humans so we know there’s always room for improvement, don’t we? And who better to improve some of our favorite pastimes than yours truly, the old Crankmeister.

“What are you talking about, Mr. Crankenfuss?” you ask with all the proper respect owed me. Well, I’ll tell you. I was watching the Orlando Magic play the other night and they were about six or seven points ahead. So the other team — right now I can’t even remember who it was — starts fouling Dwight Howard, Orlando’s star. Why? Because Howard can’t shoot foul shots worth a flip, that’s why. And sure enough, he was clanking them all over the place. So I began thinking, “Ya know, it’s not fair that Dwight has to shoot those foul shots. He doesn’t have to shoot a regular shot unless he wants to. Why should he have to shoot foul shots if he doesn’t want to?” And it means that a team behind Orlando can always foul ol’ Dwight whenever they want to. So why can’t Orlando decline the penalty? That’s right, why can’t Orlando say, “Yeah, we know you fouled our guy, but we’d rather take the ball out of bounds instead.”

THAT’S WHAT THEY DO IN FOOTBALL!!

Yep, that’s right. For those of you totally out of the loop, in football you don’t have to accept a penalty. You can say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” At least to some of them. So why can’t you do that in all the sports. When your opponent does something against the rules, why can’t you say, “That’s all right, bro’. No problem here. Let’s just keep playing.”

Case in point: You’re ahead by three points in a basketball game and the other team’s got the ball. There’s ten seconds left. You don’t want them to try a three-pointer. If they make it, the game’s tied. So you foul them, they make one or two foul shots, you get the ball back and win the game. That’s not right, people. The other team should have the choice of declining the foul shots so they have a chance to hit that three-pointer. By “breaking the rules” (fouling the other team), your team gets rewarded.

So I say let the teams or players decide if they accept any penalties.

Just my two cents worth. (Or less.)

from your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

All that minus a bag of chips

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Humor Post #40 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I can’t be the only person in the world with the following problem, can I? I get out a bag of potato chips or Doritos. A nice new bag all full of fresh snacks for a growing dude like myself. Now comes the hard part. Opening the stupid bag. I take the bag gingerly on either side of the top seal and gently pull my hands apart. Of course you know where that gets me. Nowheres-ville. So I pull a bit harder. Still nothing. My need for an immediate snack makes my frustration grow. And you probably know what comes next. I give the bag a quick, violent snap outward. If I’m lucky I get my chips. If the usual thing happens, I get my chips all right, but they’re scattered all over the floor, having exploded from the bag. Then it’s a race between me and my dog to see who can get the most dusty chips off the floor. I usually win, but that’s because I’m good at blocking him out.

I’ve already written about this before. And I did it in verse. But the crisis continues and I wish I could find a solution.

So I went to YouTube where so many solutions to so many earth-shattering problems are found and I was able to find the this British guy who seemed to have a great method for opening that evil bag of chips. Ooh, he’s a master. Check it out here. There’s only one catch. I tried his method and I mucked it all up again. Chips all over the place. And my mom’s not that keen on having me experiment with new bags all the time. It did make for a great explosion sound though. Maybe this guy will come out with an instructional DVD.

It’s not just me who has this kind of problem with packaging. It’s sad to see Daniel opening his bags of rice cakes — he’s on a diet, the poor sap — and getting all ticked off when his attempts lead to the top rice cake always getting crumbled into rice pebbles. Rice cakes don’t exactly hold together too well and he ends up trashing at least one, usually two, rice cakes per package. (BTW, that’s a pretty mean thing for the company to do, calling them rice cakes. Uh, they’re about as far from cake as you can get unless you’re thinking of mud that gets caked on your shoes if you slosh around near a creek. That’s just cruel. Here you go, Daniel. A couple of nice cakes. Yeah, tasteless styrofoam peanuts is more like it.)

Anyway, time for ADD boy to get back on topic. It’s not just bags of chips that are hard to open. Cereal bags (inside the boxes) can be killers too. Sometimes they open right but usually I put a big tear down the side of the bag and a bunch of the cereal pours out into the box. Then the bag can’t really be closed and the cereal gets stale faster. Which is good for the cereal company, I guess, but not for ol’ Crankenfuss.

Now let me make something clear here. (“At last,” you’re probably saying.) I realize this isn’t as important as the end of the world that some people claim is going to happen soon. Yeah, if and when that happens, I probably won’t be jumping around whining about bags of chips. But little things add up, you know? Annoyances like this could be holding me back in my rap writing career. And that would be truly tragic, wouldn’t it?

So unless I want to give us snacks forever, I’ll keep working at finding a cure for this bag disease. Maybe I’ll end up with a Nobel Peace Prize for something for bringing inner peace to all those millions of people who suffer like I do.

So if you have any cool tricks you can teach me, let me know. In the meantime, so long from
The Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

I hate Time Warner Cable!!

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Humor Post #39 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

WARNING: I’m really angry and I have to write about it NOW!! There won’t be any humor (stupid or otherwise) in this post. Usually I can joke about things. Not today. And the fault is totally with Time Warner Cable! Yes, that’s worth repeating. It’s all Time Warner’s fault.

As most of you know, I like sports. And there’s this show every Sunday called The Sports Reporters. It’s on ESPN and four reporters sit around and talk about what happened the past week in sports. So today I’m all set to listen to what they have to say about last Sunday’s Super Bowl and about Jeremy Lin, this Chinese dude from Harvard (of all places) who’s come out of nowhere to be a new superstar for the New York Knicks. I had the DVR set to record the show — it comes on at 10:30 — but I was busy doing other stuff till 10:45. No big deal, I thought. I’ll turn it on now and watch it. So I settled back on the couch and turned it on. BUT IT HADN’T RECORDED! WHAT!? I was furious. I know it was set up. I’d checked it two days ago to be sure. The whole series is supposed to be recorded.

By now it was 10:48. I watched them talk about Kobe for about three or four minutes, which was good but I was almost too mad to watch. Then, during the next commercial I thought, Ooh, maybe this show has a “Start Over” gizmo. (On some shows you can click on something to start the show over, though then you have to watch all the commercials too.) Yay!!! It had it. So I started the show over and paused it so I could go in the kitchen to toast a couple bagels so I could really enjoy the show. I was feeling so relieved. So I get out all the stuff I needed for a nice breakfast, put the bagels in and get myself all mentally prepared for the show.

But then, just as the bagels were popping up, I hear the TV go back on. OH, NO!! The Pause thing had come undone, the next show had come on, and of course the Start Over thing wasn’t going to work anymore. Now I’m even madder. I’m jumping up and down yelling stuff at the TV I can’t put in this post. This is not the first time this type of stuff has happened. It happens a lot. And we just just got a new box from Time Warner about two weeks ago because our old DVR kept messing up.

I can’t trust the setup. What is this — the 20th century??

We’d get Direct TV or something else if we could, but there are too many trees in the yard to get a satellite signal. So now Daniel and Maureen are talking about maybe having Tivo on top of Time Warner. They need the high-speed internet connection since they’re on the web a lot. And they pay way over $100 every month to Time Warner. They have one of their top packages. Shouldn’t they be getting better than this for their money? And I’m the one who has to suffer for it too.

I was all set to post about my cool new way to tell time — and believe me, this new method could change the world — but now I don’t even want to be anywhere near that TV or DVR and they’re in the same room with this computer. I might have to actually go outside and play.

from the Dude with the ‘tude and the angriest blogger on the planet right now,
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. If anyone knows how to find a way to see The Sports Reporters from today, I’d sure appreciate it.

Freak Speak

I’m through trying!

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Humor Post #37 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Good night to all and to all a good night. Wait a minute, that’s not what I meant to say. I meant to say, “Good evening to all.” Guess I’m kinda confused ’cause I’m all excited about the Super Bowl which is about to start in like a hour. So I’ll get right to tonight’s topic. And though I hate to admit it, the topic for tonight has been stolen. Yes, I heard two eighth graders talking about this in the hall and I doubt that either one is a blogger — don’t ask me how I concluded that — and since I don’t know the name of either and don’t know when I’ll see them again, I’ll just go ahead and tell you what they were saying. So here’s a shout-out to those two eighth graders.

Anyway, here it is. I’m not going to try anymore. Not at anything. Nope, trying is for losers. That’s the lesson I’m here to teach you.

“Now, just a darn-tootin’ minute!” That’s probably what you’re saying right now. If you’re from Hicksville, that is. But you probably have some issues with my statement no matter where you come from. Everyone always says you should try, don’t they? Never give up, they say. But I say, TRYING IS FOR LOSERS. SUCCEEDING IS FOR WINNERS.

Like with the Super Bowl tonight. After the game, who’s going to be jumping around shouting, “We tried! Oh, how we tried!” Not the winners, that’s for sure. They’ll be jumping around, congratulating each other, screaming “We won, we won!”, telling the world they’re going to Disney World, whatever. But one thing they’ll never say (or almost never) is that they tried to win. Nope, that’ll be the job of the losers.

Think about it this way: The teacher walks around the class. She says to Student #1, “Crankenfuss, I want you to work this problem.” She goes to Student #2 and says, “Mr. Not-as-good-as-Crankenfuss, I want you to work this problem as well.” Then she gets to Student #3 (who’s quaking in his boots) and says, “Mr. Nowhere-near-as-good-as-Crankenfuss, I want you to try your best on this problem.” Now which of the three students do you think the teacher doesn’t have a whole lot of confidence in? That’s right. It’s #3 ’cause she asked him to try his best. Yep, that’s code for “I don’t think you can do this, you sad little being, so just do your best and I’ll understand.”

What do mamas of the losing team always say to their babies? “Well, honey, you tried your best. That’s all anybody can expect you to do.”

WRONG! You can expect to succeed. You may not, but you can expect to and that’s maybe half the battle right there. Why just the other day this kid in my class told the teacher he was TRYING TO THINK. Say what? How do you try to think? I wouldn’t trust that guy to get much done.

Now I know there are still some of you who aren’t convinced. Well, if I handed you a pencil and told you to give it back to me, I think you’d have no problem. But if I asked you to TRY to give it to me, you’d look at me funny, wouldn’t you? You just wouldn’t know exactly what to do.

So in the end all I want to say is if you want to make the winning shot, tell the coach you’re going to make the shot. Don’t say, “Coach, I’ll do my best.” Tell him you’ll DO it. See if he (or she) doesn’t like that attitude a lot more.

Okay, I set a new record here. Well, not for brilliance. I usually tie myself each time I post. It’s hard to outdo myself, you see. No, I mean in terms of time. Twenty minutes. YES, I did it. Didn’t really try that hard. Didn’t try at all really. Made a plan and just did it. Like Nike used to say (and probably still does): Just do it. Notice they don’t say: Just try to do it.

Case closed. Game, set, and match to Crankenfuss.

Oh, yeah, and to those two eighth graders too.

from Dr. Crankenfuss, the Dude with the ‘tude (and the guy who still has to set up all his food for the big battle. Can’t tell you who I’m for. I’ll see who wins and probably pretend I was for them. That makes me look a lot smarter, you know.)

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

Tennis players and golfers must be wussies

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Humor Post #35 from Middle School’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

So I couldn’t sleep Thursday night and I wake up at like 3 AM and turn on my TV. Not much to see at that hour unless you’re interested in infomercials for football-shaped coffins with your favorite team’s colors and logos plastered all over them, which was pretty funny for awhile, but then it was just kind of pathetic, you know. It was enough to make me go back to sleep. Almost. Then I saw that the Australian Open was on. And there was this great match between Andy Murray (whose name I can spell) and Novak Djokavic (whose name I can’t spell). And even though there were some great shots and stuff the main thing that got to me was every time they were ready to serve, the crowd got real quiet and if there was the least little bit of noise, the announcer would come on and say, “Quiet, please” and everyone would shut up even more. And I thought to myself, “Crankenfuss, it sure seems like those players are pretty sensitive. They can’t take any noise? Any noise at all?” I couldn’t think of any other sport like that, unless you count the National Spelling Bee as a sport. Then I did. Golf! Yeah, I remember one time — though I can’t remember where — they kicked this guy off the course for taking a picture during a big putt or maybe he just yelled something like “In da hole!” Anyway, I remember the TV announcers talking about how rude and crude that spectator was and how he didn’t have any respect for the game.

Please don't breathe too loud or this guy will collapse.

Huh?

What about most every other sport? I like to watch pro football and basketball and most of the time I’m sure the players can hardly hear anything, the crowd is so loud. Yeah, when the home team guy is shooting a foul shot, the crowd gets quiet, but when it’s the other team, the crowd goes nuts, waving their arms, probably yelling stuff about the foul shooter’s mama, and generally acting like maniacs. How come the announcers don’t talk about those fans’ disrespect for the game? In baseball I don’t see how the pitcher can concentrate on anything with the crowd so out of control.

Is this how a tennis player responds to a cheer during his serve?

So I have one question about all this? How come tennis players and golfers are such wussies? Why don’t they just go ahead and play like every other person on a sports team? Maybe they should get their mommies out there to tell them to do their best. (But not while they’re putting or serving, of course. That would be rude.) Just askin’.

I mean, when I write my posts, I never do it in quiet. I have the TV on or the radio or the stereo or something. And on top of that, I have all those voices in my head that keep me from concentrating. So if I can do it, so can those tennis and golf superstars. Time to suck it up, gentlemen (and ladies). Get with the program. Bring on the noise.

from the Dude with the ‘tude, your truth teller and blogger supremo,
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. And yes, I did get back to sleep. Thank you for asking. It’s hard for me to get excited about much anything at 3:00 in the morning. I think I lasted probably 20 minutes.