Tag Archives: Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

YOU LIKE THE MORNING NEWS ON TV? HERE’S WHAT YOU’RE REALLY GETTING.

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Humor Post #102 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Well, some of you were probably surprised that Ol’ Doctor Crankenfuss had something serious to say in his last post. And he even said it in poetry! Well, that didn’t last too long. I’m back and ready to rant. Today it’s about what a bunch of people call The Morning News. People all over the country turn on their tv around 7:00 to get a quick fix of the news and weather before they go to work. The most important word here is “quick.” I recorded the CBS Morning News this morning (Friday, April 5, 2013) and I totaled up how much news they actually give you, minute by minute. Here’s what I found out. (Long story short: They should call it “The Morning Little Bit of News.”)
THE FIRST HALF HOUR
8:00 – 8:19 — National and International News
8:19 – 8:20 — Local weather and traffic
8:20 – 8:21 — CBS telling you what’s coming up soon, you know, like previews at a movie theater. (Kind of like a commercial. Or what people call a ‘teaser.’)
8:21 – 8:25 — Commercials
8:25 – 8:26 — Another minute of previews (or teasers) from CBS. See, they haven’t had any real news since 8:19 and they’re trying to keep you in front of the tv. (“Don’t go away,” they say. “Look at this cool stuff we have coming up soon.”)
8:26 – 8:29 — Local news, weather, and traffic. About one minute for each. The local news almost always has half of it (or all of it) devoted to a car accident or a murder or a fire.
8:29 – 8:30 — Commercials
TOTALS FOR FIRST HALF HOUR:
National/international news = 19 minutes
Local news/weather/traffic = 4 minutes
Commercials and previews = 7 minutes
CONCLUSION: NOT TOO BAD. BOTTOM LINE -> 23 minutes of news, 7 minutes of commercials.

THE SECOND HALF HOUR — Watch what happens now! It’s the ol’ switcheroo!!
8:30 – 8:40 — National/international news
8:40 – 8:45 — Commercials
8:45 – 8:47 — National/international news
8:47:00 – 8:47:30 — Local weather (30 seconds)
8:47:30 – 8:48 — Preview/teaser of what’s coming up (30 seconds)
8:48 – 8:52 — Commercials
8:52 – 8:52:30 — Preview/teaser (30 seconds. You see how it works?)
8:52:30 – 8:56 — Commercials (30 seconds)
8:56 – 8:59 — Local news, weather, and traffic (about one minute of each)
8:59 – 9:00 — Commercials
TOTALS FOR SECOND HALF HOUR:
National/international news = 12 minutes
Local news/weather/traffic = 3 1/2 minutes
Commercials and previews = 14 1/2 minutes
((WOW!! Look how it changes from the first half to the second half hour. The main difference is they take out seven minutes of the news and MAGICALLY CHANGE THEM INTO COMMERCIALS.))
CONCLUSION: AY, CARAMBA!! BOTTOM LINE -> 15 1/2 minutes of news, 14 1/2 minutes of commercials.

FINAL LESSON TO BE LEARNED:
If you want to get the best bang for your buck (at least when it comes to watching The CBS Morning News), watch from 8:00 to 8:20. Then run and wash up or get dressed or whatever and if you really want ONE WHOLE MINUTE of local news, come back at 8:26. And if you want the teeniest, weeniest bang for your buck, watch the second half hour which is almost 50% commercials and teasers.

How’s that for some amazing analysis from Dr. Crankenfuss? Not bad, eh, especially from a middle schooler? Well anyway, hope you learned something. I know I did. I learned when I’m playing my video games, almost all the time I spend is playing my video games. Now that’s a good use of time, at least compared to watching the news on tv.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (and a great media analyst to boot)
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

A Poem about dull looking buildings. Sounds boring, but I promise you, it’ll make you think.

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Humor Post #101 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

That’s a lie I put right above this line. That’s right, I’m admitting it. It says this is Humor Post #101. But this post doesn’t have any real humor in it. Actually none at all. But I have trouble enough keeping up with one set of posts so I called it #101. Hope you’ll forgive me.

Today I’m in my poem-writing philosophical mode. Kind of like Shakespeare, you know. That’s because I visited with Daniel after he had back surgery. How’s he doing? Well, it’s been three days since the surgery and he can now put on his own shoes, sit on the toilet all by himself (and get up afterwards), and get out of bed in under five minutes. I know what you’re thinking: What’s with Daniel? Is he like two years old or something? Nope, it’s just that’s how hard it is to move around after you have back surgery. But he’ll come out of it okay. And maybe this poem will cheer him up. He usually thinks I’m kinda dumb so I’m going to surprise him with what I learned.

A NOT-SO-SPECIAL LOOKING BUILDING
by Dr. Crankenfuss
(copyright 2013–All rights reserved)

There’s a big brick building in my town
Pass by it nearly every day
Never give it a second thought
Or listen to what it could say

But this place possesses magic
Now I see what its plain walls hide
I could learn so much studying it
There’s a whole world that lives inside

It’s a house of promise
A den of fear
You wouldn’t believe
How much happens here

It’s full of life
It deals with death
Some see for the first time
Some breathe their last breath

Emergency is constant
Crisis is the norm
All who check in
Want to go home

Cancer is tearing a family apart
A boy is waiting for a brand new heart
Everyone prays to their deity
But no one knows what their end will be

By now you know it’s our hospital
A place of hope, sometimes miracles
So don’t be fooled by a plain looking face
Inside there might be thrills, dreams, and grace.

From Your Dude with the new ‘Tude (I ain’t judging a book by its cover no more)
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Woo-hoo! This is my 100th post so here are 10 of my favorite jokes to celebrate

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Humor Post #100 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Wow, you see that number 100 at the top of this post? Man, I’ve been around a while, haven’t I? And in honor of my 100th post, Ima give you 10 of the dumbunniest jokes I can remember. After all, I don’t wanna wear myself out. Yeah, I know 10’s got nothing to do with 100, but no way I’m gonna look for 100 jokes. Wait, let me show you my last 100 dunk attempts. Oh yeah, luckily no one was around to record them.

THE TEN ONE-LINERS DELIVERED TO YOU BY DR. CRANKENFUSS

1) A termite goes into a bar. He asks, “Is the bartender here?” (Okay, a few of you might need to think about this one.)

2) A man sent his depressed friend ten puns to see if he could make his friend laugh. No pun in ten did.

3) How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

4) An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

5) Did you hear about the restaurant they opened up on the space station? Great food, but no atmosphere.

6) Parent says, “My kid texts me ‘plz’ because it’s shorter than ‘please.’ I text him back ‘No’ because it’s shorter than ‘Yes.’

7) Two antennae got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

8) Woman goes to a psychiatrist. Says, “Doctor, sometimes I dream I’m a wigwam. Then I dream I’m a teepee. Then a wigwam. Then a teepee. Over and over and over again. It’s driving me crazy. Help me, Doctor!”
Psychiatrist says, “Calm down. You’re too tense.”

9) What did the surgeon say to the guy who came in with no health insurance? “Okay, suture self.”

10) Here’s one my science teacher told the class. About half the people got it.
Neutron walks in a bar, orders a drink. Bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

You figured out Number 3 yet?

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (and 100 genius blog posts),
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. You’re still trying to figure out Number 3, aren’t you?

Freak Speak

My Cure for Global Warming (or Climate Change, or whatever u want to call it)

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Humor Post #97 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Dr. Crankenfuss is worried. He was on the web last night — that was his first mistake — and he found this article. It’s all about how the earth is the hottest now since it’s been since the DAWN OF CIVILIZATION! That means it’s hotter now than it’s been for like 11,000 years! That’s older than all my teachers put together. Here’s the main graph that shows the OMG spike.

See that huge spike at the end? That's the last 100 years or so. (This graph was in the article linked to above at MSNBC and it was called WARMING FASTEST SINCE DAWN OF CIVILIZATION, STUDY SHOWS.)

This is happening right now, people! Okay, you say you’re not worried, that you’ll just keep snarfing down those chicken wings and watch March Madness. Well, Dr. Crankenfuss watches the news. And he has eyes and a brain. So here, in his usual poetic style, he’s going to tell you what he’s going to do save his butt, at least.

THE CURE FOR GLOBAL WARMING

The earth is heating up,
The temps make record highs,
The ocean’s much too warm,
That leads to rising tides.

The tides rush into streets,
Buildings wash away,
People build sand barriers,
The waves say, “Make my day!”

Beach people got big problems,
They want the Gov to cure ’em,
The Gov ain’t got the answers,
I’m glad I live in Durham.

Our altitude’s 400 feet,
Plenty high, that’s true.
But if things start accelerating,
I’ll have an ocean view.

No way I’m stickin’ around,
I’m putting’ my theory to the test,
I’m askin’ my mom to look
For a condo on Everest.

If she won’t go for that,
Only one way we’ll stay afloat,
I’ll spend the next twenty years
Converting our house to a boat.

See you on the high seas, matey!

From Your Dude with the Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss (soon to be Captain Crankenfuss)

Freak Speak

I AIN’T GONNA SHAKE NO HANDS NO MORE (A POEM BY DR. CRANKENFUSS)

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Humor Post #96 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

In my last post, I spent a bunch of time explaining how shaking hands kind of makes me nervous. A guy comes up with his hand outstretched and I wanna run. But now that I’ve researched the thing some more, I have even better reasons for giving up shaking hands.  And cooler yet, I’ve put it in a poem. You know I love rap, but — my bad — I can’t really say this is rap. At least it rhymes. See what you think.

SHAKE YOUR HAND? NO, THANKS!

Yo,
I ain’t gonna shake no hands no more,
Not in the halls or on the dance floor,
There are too many traps I can’t ignore
So I ain’t gonna shake no hands no more.

   Now ‘fore your nose gets all out of joint
   Gimme a minute to make my point.

I know shaking hands has a long tradition,
Maybe it’s manners, maybe superstition,
But I’m here to tell you the reasons why
I’m kissing this scary custom good-bye.

Dudes just say they wanna be friends
But how do I know where their hands have been?
They may have just given a girl a rose
Or more likely…
They been diggin’ for treasure inside their nose.

Cleaning out mucus,
Picking at zits,
Putting grease on hair,
Ain’t no end to it.
Let your thoughts run wild,
It’s a very bad dream.
Were they applying deodorant
Or was it hemorrhoid cream?

See, most guys ain’t doctors when it comes to disease,
Wipe their hands cross their face when they cough or sneeze.
As a Brit would say, “They’re not very posh.”
After using the toilet, they hardly ever wash!

So before you offer your hand to a stranger
Remember this poem; think of the danger!
It’s YOUR OWN LIFE you might be savin’
So forget that handshake and practice your wavin’.

No…
There ain’t no way I’m shakin’ your hand,
I seen how you act and where it’s been,
Don’t take it personal. You still da man!
But there ain’t no way I’m shakin’ your hand.

From Your Dude with the Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss