Tag Archives: Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Twinkies are going extinct? Oh, no! But Google Glass is even better!

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Humor Post #80 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I’ve discovered something really cool. Well, I didn’t discover it exactly. My mom showed me an article and it got me all happy and excited about the future. See, times are bad in general. There’s war somewhere, people are starving somewhere — I’m pretty sure of it — and some guy is eating someone else’s face, probably in Miami. And to make everything worse, the Hostess Company, maker of Twinkies, everyone’s favorite health food snack, is going belly up. What you see below is what was on the Today Show just a few days ago.

TODAY | Aired on November 19, 2012
Twinkie-maker heads to bankruptcy hearing—
Hostess, maker of the iconic Twinkie cake, will have a hearing before a bankruptcy judge on Monday to begin the work of shutting down and selling off its assets. Meanwhile, many loyal customers are rushing to snatch up what may be the last of its products. NBC’s Mara Schiavocampo reports.

Woe to the world! What is everyone going to do when they get hungry? I mean, there’s hardly any other sweet snacks out there to choose from. Without Twinkies, I think life might lose its meaning.

Anyway, that’s what I was thinking till my mom told me about Google Glass. It’ll be out within two years and I can’t wait. Well, maybe I can. What choice do I have? But to have a whole computer sitting on your head has to be like the slamtastickest thing to come around in a while. No, it doesn’t look that stupid. Check out the link below.

http://pogue.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/09/13/google-glass-and-the-future-of-technology/

See, you wear it like a super-thin pair of clear sunglasses. Actually, it’s more like a hair band pulled over your eyebrows, but it will have a phone, a teeny screen that somehow looks like a big one to your eyes, voice recognition, kind of a Siri thing happening, access to the internet, and make up that will make you irresistible to anyone you’re interested in. Well, maybe I made that last part up, but anything’s possible with this thing. I couldn’t understand half the article, but I did figure out this could be the greatest invention since video games. You wear this thing in class and every answer in the world is at your eye tips. I could probably get my doctor to say I have to wear them because of my ADD or something and the teacher would have to let me use them. Can you say, “playing video games during class”? YES!!

So that’s my GOOD NEWS FOR THE DAY! (I put that in capitals cause I’m kinda known for being a downer so this is a big change. At least for today.)

So keep on the lookout for Google Glass and stock up on those Twinkies.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Man dies from eating cockroaches? That’s just like Daniel’s Freaky Dude Book! Really!

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Humor Post #79 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

This is a sad story I’m about to tell: A man ate too many cockroaches and worms and he died. It’s true, I swear. You can read about it right here. It happened in the last day or two. According to the story, those who met this guy considered him to be “the life of the party.” Life of the party? What kind of party would that be? Just the kind of party you ladies out there would like to go to, no?

Anyway, I guess it’s sad and all that this dude died, but how many days could he have had left on this Earth with an attitude like that? I mean, can anyone honestly say, “Oh, it’s so sad he died. He had so much to live for.”? Like what — the gator wrestling contest he had lined up for next week?

But what’s really ironic is that Daniel’s first book for Freaky Dude Books — that would be Daniel Berenson’s STORIES GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SICK — has as its first story the adventure of a guy who has to eat a two-inch cockroach. Live! Does he end up like the guy in the article above? Well, you can actually find out since Apple published the whole story at the iBookstore if you look up that title there. Amazon was a bit “cheaper” cause they only give you about 2/3 of the story for free. But if you want to see how life imitates art, you can check out the book at the iBookstore or at Amazon by clicking here.

In the meantime, you might want to follow one of Dr. Crankenfuss’s main pieces of advice: Don’t eat anything that will kill you.

As always, just trying to help.
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. There’s this site about people who do dumb things like this. It’s called The Darwin Awards. OMG!! I just checked it out again to be sure I had the right address and just watched this idiot make himself fall down an elevator shaft. He just missed getting on the elevator and the doors closed too soon. He rams his wheelchair into the doors a couple times, busts through, and falls to his death. Sick, sick, sick. That’s me I’m talking about. I feel like I just ate a cockroach.

Freak Speak

Farmer in the Dell? More like “Farmer in Hell.” Farmer eaten by his own hogs?? OMG!

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Humor Post #78 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I can get pretty negative at times. Okay, very negative. But every so often I read stuff that makes me glad I’m alive. Or at least I’m alive and not having the awful luck some people seem to have. But today’s news goes way beyond that. Thank you, Lord, for not letting this happen to me. A farmer went to feed his hogs somewhere in Oregon. When he didn’t show up after a while, people went to look for him. All they found in the hog pen were his dentures!!

You can read about it here.

I know there’ll be jokes all over the internet like the animals going “hog wild” or the hogs were no doubt making a preemptive strike, but hey, I eat bacon and I know I have hog farmers to thank for getting it to me. So I feel bad for that guy and his family.

Nothin’ else to say. Have a good day, everyone, and let people around you know you appreciate them. You never know what’s around the next bend.

From your reformed (for today, at least) grouch,
The Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

The post office won’t give a kid a 6″ piece of tape for his package. What’s with that?

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Humor Post #77 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Last post I had something nice to say. For once. I said I liked my mailman even though I thought his job wasn’t long for this world. Well, I changed my mind. That’s what I get for being nice. Oh, my mailman’s still okay. Unless they move his job to behind the counter at the post office. Then I won’t like him anymore.

“Huh?” you’re saying (and not quietly either). Let me explain. I wanted to send a few CDs I’d made to my cousin yesterday so I got my mom to take me to the post office cause they have those padded kinds of envelopes I needed. So I get the package, which costs $1.79. Sounds fair. Everything’s copacetic so far. I write the address and all that on the package, stick in the CDs, and I’m set to go. I get up to the guy behind the counter, he weighs the package, and I pay him for the stamps. Still everything’s just fine and dandy.

Then I ask him to put an extra piece of tape on the flap of the envelope to make sure the CDs don’t fall out, you know. No big deal, I think, and better safe than sorry and all that.  Well, it turns out it IS a big deal. “You didn’t send your package priority mail so we can’t give you any tape,” the guy says.

Are you kidding me? A lousy piece of tape? What’s it gotta cost the post office — maybe half a cent? I just gave the guy like four bucks for my stuff and this is the gentle kindness I receive. I asked him again about it and he said again that if I sent the package priority mail, he’d put a piece of tape on it. But that would cost me extra, like way more than half a cent extra. Sure, it would get there a couple days earlier but hey, my cousin’s getting the music for free. He doesn’t even know he’s getting it since it’s a surprise. What’s he care if it comes in two days or five days?

So I know the post office is in trouble and all that, but saving your precious pieces of tape ain’t gonna solve the problem, bro’. I just hope that package doesn’t break open or I might have to find a lawyer. One that specializes in kids that would look sweet and sympathetic on the news.

So, ol’ Crankenfuss still likes his mailman. It’s just that he doesn’t feel so bad about the post office being in trouble anymore.

So all of you out there, stay strong, stay smart, and plan ahead if you’re sending any packages at the post office. Bring your own tape.

Have a good day/week/month/year/life.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

I feel bad for my mailman (and for my mom’s bank teller)

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Humor Post #76 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

I like my mailman. He’s a nice guy. He always has a smile and a friendly hello for me when I happen to be walking my dog (which isn’t nearly often enough, my mom keeps telling me). He doesn’t try to run me down or anything and I gotta give him props for that, you know.

But he’s still going to lose his job.

There’s this old saying that goes something like, “Neither rain nor snow nor mean dogs or anything else will keep the postman from delivering the mail.” And that’s pretty much true. But the saying doesn’t mention anything about the fact that almost nobody uses mail anymore to send stuff. I know, I’m exaggerating a bit here. The Crank does that sometimes. But think about it. Thanks to texting or emails, when’s the last time you actually wrote someone a letter? When’s the last time one of your parents wrote anybody a letter? I’m not talking about greeting cards. That’s the main kind of “letter” the post office delivers now. Yeah, they carry a lot of packages too. But Fed Ex and UPS and some others I can’t think of right now do the same thing. If it wasn’t for magazines — especially my favorite, Sports Illustrated — we could almost get along without our mailman. Mostly he brings us junk mail like advertising stuff from grocery stores and department stores and catalogues. I know some people like that stuff, but that’s just not enough to keep a business going. It’s kind of like those Indians that used to hold the important job in their tribe of sending out smoke signals. A while back that was a super cool job, I’m sure. Well, what happened to them?

Another job that I wouldn’t recommend someone to have for their career is being a bank teller. My mom just scanned a check yesterday afternoon and her bank deposited it in her account by 8:00 last night. She was like all happy and she said, “Now I won’t have to go to the bank. Think how much time that’ll save me from now on.” If I was a bank teller, I’d be listening to my mom. That’s kind of like your doctor telling you you have a heart murmur and maybe you should cut back on the cigarettes and double fries.

Anyway, it’s not my fault all this is happening. All I do is look around and see it.

Sorry for the bad news, Mr. Mailman and Ms. Bank Teller, but ol’ Crankenfuss is just trying to give you a thumbs up. In the meantime I gotta think of a new career path for myself. My old idea of being a spittoon cleaner ain’t looking so smart anymore.

Have a great day, people.

From your man with the message,
Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss