Tag Archives: humor

Freak Speak

Why do we say “God bless you” when you sneeze, but not when you cough?

6 Comments

Post #150 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger–

The other day I sneezed.

No, that’s not all that happened. Then my mom said, “Bless you.”

(Oh, keep reading. It’s gets better than this. Not by that much, I admit, but I think it will all end up pretty interesting.)

So I asked, “Why did you bless me just because I sneezed?” And she said, “Because, I don’t know, it’s a custom and anyway it’s a nice thing to say to show the other person you care, you know. Also, I didn’t bless you. That’s short for ‘God bless you.'”

“But you don’t ask God to bless me when I cough, do you?” I said.  “And that could be worse than a sneeze, say like I was starting to choke to death, right?”

“That’s true,” she said, “and I’m about to choke you right now if you don’t keep asking questions. You know what to do when you don’t know something, don’t you?” And she gave me one of her Don’t keep pushing me, Bub looks.

“Yes,” I answered meekly. She meant I was supposed to find out the answer myself. Which is harder than just having it told to you, but not that bad. So I went to my computer and typed “bless you sneeze” in the search bar and guess what came right up as the top two results. That’s right — Wikipedia — with the title “God bless you.” (It’s almost always Wikipedia, isn’t it?)

So Wikipedia says it started way back near Bible times, but in 590 Pope Gregory I commanded everyone to say “God bless you” after someone sneezed because there was a plague going around and sneezing was one of the first symptoms of the plague. So it made sense that a blessing from God might help you. And Wikipedia added that later on, people used to think when you sneezed, your soul would shoot out of your body and the devil could get a hold of it so “God bless you” was supposed to protect your soul.

Then I went to another favorite site of mine– Snopes.com — and looked up “God bless you” and there was a cool article with all the different theories about where people thought the expression started. The new thing I learned was that some people used to think your heart stopped when you sneezed — which isn’t really true — so the blessing was to help you recover. But then it also said in some societies, a sneeze was considered good luck so “Bless you” was kind of like “Thank you.”

Huh?

So let me get this straight. Someone sneezes on you and that’s good luck? And none of the other reasons for the blessing really make sense nowadays, do they, except for my mom’s original idea. It’s to bless you because you’re a little bit “sick.” But actually you could just have a piece of dust up your nose and I don’t know if you need a blessing for that. I mean it wouldn’t hurt, but we don’t get blessed for coughing, throwing up, running into a doorframe — hey, some of us aren’t that coordinated — or doing an arm fart, do we? And a good argument could be made in all those cases that you could use a little divine help, couldn’t it?

Isn’t it interesting how a custom that started hundreds of years ago for a good reason back then keeps on going and going even though we don’t really believe in the reasons for it now?

Well, I think it’s interesting! And in my next post, I might even write a poem about it.

So you keep on saying, “Bless you” when someone sneezes, but at least know why you’re doing it, okay?

From Dr. Crankenfuss,
Who had to look all this up.
So a little “thank you” might be in order, don’t you think?
You don’t?
Awww… please!

Freak Speak

Poetry schools give you ain’t no fun./Here’s the fix for everyone!

Leave a comment

Post #147 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger–

Okay, today I’m gonna give you a quiz and I don’t think you’ll pass it. Ready?

At school you might see some people carrying around The Hunger Games, right? Or some will have a Wimpy Kid book. (And yes, I know they’re easier.) But for the gajillion dollar prize, name a poetry book that you often see students carrying around or talking about.

Well…  I’m waiting for you to say something.

You can’t think of one, can you?

Well, there’s one that might soon be the answer to that question.
VOICES: Poems for Performance

Over 50 young poets tell their stories in verse, every poem illustrated, and all ready to be performed, either in front of an audience or on video. There’s no other book like it. Check out the intro and meet some of the poets at the VOICES page on this site. You can hit the VOICES button up top or click here to go to it. The book’s coming to Amazon, Apple, Kobo, and Nook on Tuesday, December 2.

Hey, you don’t have to take my word for it. Just check that page out and you’ll see. I mean this must be good, because I’m not even talking about myself today. I’m giving publicity to Daniel and he and I don’t always like to share the stage. Well, actually I don’t ever like to give it to him, but here he deserves it.

’nuff said. Get ready to become an actor.

From the Dude with the ‘Tude
Who’s now stepping back
To become a flak
For Daniel’s poetic smack.

Freak Speak

Something stupid we don’t need: the 2-minute warning in football

Leave a comment

Post #144 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

This will be a pretty short Crankenfuss post. Okay, you can stop with the cheering and let me talk. Here it is:
What’s with the two-minute warning in pro football? Why do coaches and players have to be told there are two minutes left in a half? Is there anyone on the team or in the stands that doesn’t know how much time is left? Only the ones who can’t read a digital clock.

College and high school games don’t have a two-minute warning. So how come pros need one. Are they dumber?  Well, here’s the real reason: It gives the TV network an extra two minutes to stick in some commercials. And you know that fans need these commercials. That’s because we’ve hardly seen any up until that time. NOT!

Aren’t football games long enough already? To play 60 minutes takes around 3 1/2 hours!

Okay, I looked it up and it’s even worse than that. Out of the 3 1/2 hours, only 11 minutes actually has any action. All the rest is replays, commercials, guys standing around in huddles, shots of fans with their shirts off and covered with paint and going “B-l-a-a-a-ah!,” and so on. If you don’t believe me, here’s where I found my info.

Enough already.

So let’s start by getting rid of that ridiculous two-minute warning and then maybe go next to the five minutes it takes between a score and when the other team starts their offense. I know I’ll have a hard time living without those ads with guys acting totally stupid while they try to sell me beer, but I think I can survive that.

From Dr. Crankenfuss,
a guy who likes football,
so he’d actually like to see some of it

Freak Speak

I COULD CLEAN UP MUCH FASTER WITHOUT THIS DISASTER

Leave a comment

Post #141 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

Dudes, you ever do any cleaning in your house? Okay, what if your mom or dad makes you, you know like they say, “You should pull your weight around here, El Sloppo!” or “If you want your allowance this week, you better do some chores around the house”?

Well, it doesn’t matter if you do or don’t. All that matters is that you recognize this thing I’m about to show you.

Gray DustpanYes, almost every house in our country has one of these. For those of you who don’t know it, it’s a DUSTPAN. And I had to use one to clean up the kitchen last night. And I discovered an important thing about it. Well, I’ve always known it, but it was still like a WOW moment because I realized it’s time to get rid of this pitiful excuse of a tool and replace it with something better.

Here’s my reason: IT DOESN’T WORK! No matter how hard you try, it always leaves a line of dirt or dust right at its entry point. Then you have to get down with a wet paper towel or something to get up what’s left. What’s with that? How long has this thing been around–since Roman times maybe?–at least in one of those emperor’s mansions or something and even then, some servant probably got his tail whipped because the emperor would come along and say, “Like dude, what’s with this line of dirt on my marble floor?” and he’d send the poor guy off to the lions.

I mean, we’ve replaced parchment, the quill pen, the horse and buggy, the hole in the ground (for going to the bathroom) and most of the stuff from centuries ago with something better.

WHY NOT THE DUSTPAN?

And yes, I know you’ll say a vacuum cleaner is stronger for getting up dirt, but that involves dragging it from another part of the house and it takes too long, man.

So here’s my suggestion for that thing.

dustpan X'ed outGood-bye and good riddance. At least after someone comes up with something that works better. C’mon, Apple. An I-Watch is nice, I’m sure, but I’m talking about something that will really change the world here. And make it cleaner too. Maybe an environmental group will support me on this.

In any case, that’s all I got today.

From someone who’s always trying to make the world a better place,
Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Joseph A. Bank must own a freakin’ bank to give the deals they offer.

Leave a comment

Post #139 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger –

I was watching the game the other night. NBA playoffs, of course. And they ran this ad from Joseph A. Bank. It’s a place we all see at malls. Seems like a nice enough store. And they had this ad — I’ll make this short — that said if you buy one suit from them, they’ll give you three more for FREE.

Huh?? Now I know these deals always say the other three suits can’t cost more than the first suit. So I spend — which I’d never do, of course, since why would I need four suits? Look at my picture and you’ll see why I say that — say, $250 for a suit and they give me three others for that same $250.

How can anyone stay in business doing deals like this? I never see car ads — and I see lots of them with not-so-bright types jumping around and acting silly — where they offer $500 or a thousand off or they say they have the best deal around, but I’ve never heard one single car dealer say, “Hey, all you dudes, if you buy one car from me, I’ll give you three more for free.” Nope, not one time. And I don’t see that kind of offer for houses either.

So what gives, Joseph A. Bank?
1) Either you are the most generous people that I’ve ever heard of, or
2) The other three suits are swimsuits, or
3) The other three suits are made of moth wings or fly spit (or some similarly cheap material), or
4) Anybody who buys four suits would probably buy a bunch of shirts and ties and socks and shoes and shoelaces and shoe polish and cufflinks and whatever else I’m leaving out and that would make up some of the difference, or
5) The suits cost you so little, say $50 each because they’re made by very poorly paid workers in Asia, that you can afford to give them away at four for $250. That would leave you at least a bit of profit. But hey, that’s still very little winnings, so the suits must cost maybe $35 or $40 to make, or
6) Since I’ve never really been inside a Joseph A. Bank, one suit could cost over $1000 and my reasoning from #4 is right, it’s just that the suits cost like $150 each to make.

So which is it, Mr. Joseph A. Bank? Or does anyone else know how they do it?

Just wondering.
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss