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Freak Speak

“BOOKS ARE EVIL. LET’S BAN BOOKS!” — a follow-up reply to my critics

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Humor Post #114 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Oh, I just found out something in the last week. I kind of knew it already but now I’m sure about it. Here’s what I learned: IF YOU WANT TO GET ATTENTION, SAY SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL. What I’m talking about is my post — and BTW, it’s called a HUMOR POST and every one of my posts out of the last 90 or so has those two words right at the top — entitled “BOOKS ARE EVIL. THEY’RE KILLING US. LET’S BAN BOOKS!” It’s gotten some fan mail, but it’s also gotten some  me-not-like-you-very-much-at-all mail. (Daniel put it up at LinkedIn too.) Now I like the fan mail of course. And I gotta admit I’m hurt a bit by the other kind. I have feelings too, believe it or not. Now I know that I give off a pretty arrogant attitude on this blog. It’s on purpose. Hey, I call myself DR. CRANKENFUSS. Whaddya expect with a name like that? Look at my t-shirt. Look at that portrait that goes at the top of my posts. Hey, in real life I’m nicer looking than that. I don’t really have steam coming out of my ears. And I’m not nearly as bald as that guy is. Dr. Crankenfuss is my persona. And yes, I do know what a persona is. And I know what irony is too. Dr. C is exaggerized (that’s half exaggerated and half aggrandized).

I went back to my very first post at Freaky Dude Books and it says the squeaky wheel gets the grease and I’m going to be that squeaky wheel. I called myself a “cranky curmudgeon” and said I’m a know-it-all. That’s the way I act online. I already wrote posts about how in real life, I’m kind of shy — see Handshake Horror, for example — and that I don’t have a girlfriend. Ooh, that hurts to admit. But here on the web, I get to act like I want. I’m Dr. Crankenfuss.

But I also found out I’m getting the most response from that BOOKS ARE EVIL post. Ever since then, I’ve had one really complimentary post about this 91-year-old Sy Perlis and called him my hero, and just a few days ago, I had this very serious essay about bullying in schools. They both took me a long time. Guess how many responses I’ve gotten from them. Practically none. What good is it to write stuff if no one cares? Lots of people say they like hearing good news. Well, my Sy Perlis post was totally good news and my bullying post was not good news, because bullying isn’t good, but I did say for people to hang in there and things would get better. That’s very positive coming from Crankenfuss.

And Crankenfuss knows how to be ironic. On May 31, I wrote a post called WHAT’S WITH THE WAY WE USE FORKS AND KNIVES AT THE TABLE. IT’S CRA-A-A-Z-Z-Y! Now I know it’s not CRAZY! I was exaggerizing again.

So I’ll put this post up but I already have two more reasons why Kindles and iPads and Nooks are the way to go in the future instead of books, but I don’t want to get too off-topic here so come back in a few days for those.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

BOOKS ARE EVIL. THEY’RE KILLING US. LET’S BAN BOOKS!

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Humor Post #110 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Those of you who read me regularly — and I know there must be millions of you — know that I’m smart (like DUH!) but that I also don’t think kids should have books at school. Oh, sure, they contain knowledge and facts and all that stuff. But they also break your back and get messed up within a couple years and then kids are still assigned those filthy things (germ-ridden with boogers hidden) for years to come. Tablets, iPads, Kindles, any e-reader would make way more sense. But lots of people, mostly adults, still don’t get how uncool AND UNHEALTHY books are. Yo, all you adults: Books are yesterday’s news. Heck, they’ve hardly changed since the printing press was invented in the 1400s. That means for over 500 years, they’ve made like ZERO progress. They’re still built exactly the same: a cover with lots of pages of print inside.

Let’s think of all the other stuff that hasn’t changed in over 500 years. How about medicine? Any doctor out there still splitting people’s heads open with an ax to get rid of the demons that are giving them headaches? I didn’t think so.

How about transportation? “Attention, all passengers scheduled to leave on Flight 875 from New York to Los Angeles. You all need to report instead to the nearby stables for your new rides.”

How about communication? “Hey, I have to get a message to Miguel in Spain right away.” “Okay, Tom, I’ll get the boat ready for a nice little voyage. Shouldn’t take us over three or four months. That’s assuming we can catch the right currents, of course.”

So how come adults still think we’re supposed to do things the same way with reading that they did back before Columbus’s time?

And now I have a new reason to get rid of books. They’re killing us. Don’t believe me? Read this brill poem and I think you’ll be singing a different tune real soon.

WHY BOOKS ARE KILLING US
(A Message to All Adults, Especially Teachers and Parents)

by Dr. Crankenfuss

The need for books
Is gettin’ pretty small
Adults still love ’em
But they’re no good at all.

To make all that paper
It takes lots of trees.
It’s better to NOT kill nature.
Can’t we all agree?

To get books from the printers
To stores requires trucks.
Trucks run on oil,
Which really kind of sucks

‘Cause oil leads to pollution
Which fouls up all the air
If we keep reading books
My lungs ain’t got a prayer.

IPads don’t kill trees;
Kindles don’t foul air.
Let’s get rid of books
And treat kids like you care.

I believe that says it all.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Since when is your finger considered a private part?

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Humor Post #108 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

I got quite a chortle the other night when I was watching ESPN’s NBA playoff coverage. See, there was this game between the Miami Heat and the Chicago Bulls a few nights before. They were playing in Miami and the Bulls weren’t doing so hot. Actually they were getting killed by the Heat and a few of their guys got technicals and thrown out of the game. Joakim Noah, their center, was one of them. As he was leaving the court after getting the old heave-ho, this fruitcake ‘roid-raged dyed-blond lady fan got in his grill and gave him the middle finger. They showed it a bunch of times on TV.

That’s not what made me laugh. No, what’s so funny is that now TV shows are putting the photo on air, but they’re blurring out the middle finger of that lady. It’s like they’re showing someone’s face who needs their identity protected or a part of the body that’s usually covered up by a bra or underpants.

This is hilarious, people! It’s not like we don’t know what’s under that blur. It’s her finger! Woooh, pretty dirty! Hey, I know what a finger looks like. And it’s not like it’s a nasty part of the body either. I could see that logic if she’d thrown her breast into Noah’s face. (Oh, how I wish that was the case.) Now she might want that covered up. But I don’t think she’s all that embarrassed by the appearance of her finger. (If you ask me, it’s her face that should be blurred out. Just look up the picture and see if you don’t agree.)

I guess the next move will be if some guy is yelling out some blankety-blank comment at a player and a photographer takes a still shot of him shouting, on TV they’ll show him with his mouth or his head blurred out. After all, we don’t want little children seeing his tongue in the process of making that sound, do we?

Anyway, here’s my idea. If the middle finger needs to be blurred, shouldn’t there be a new piece of clothing sold to cover it up at all times. After all, it must be a no-no part of our body if they can’t show it on TV. We could call a “third finger thing.” Or “third finger thong.” Or how about a “finger flap”? If you have any other ideas for names, let me know. But be sure to give me a cut of the profits if you start selling these things. I’m sure everyone will be lining up to buy them. I mean, we don’t want our privates to show, do we?

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

I JUST BOUGHT A NEW COMPUTER FOR A DOLLAR!

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Humor Post #107 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

It’s time for Dr. Crankenfuss to get all happy again. Yeah, I know that might make you sick, but I just found out something yesterday that blows my mind. See, I bought this computer for one whole dollar. It’s new. It’s perfect. It does everything I ask it to. Now don’t get me wrong. This ain’t no iMac or anything but it does exactly what it’s supposed to. What a great world we live in. Technology is getting better and better and cheaper and cheaper all the time.

If you had predicted this, say, 45 years ago, nobody would have believed you. Back then it costs a couple hundred dollars for this thing and people thought that was a pretty good price.

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Yeah, sure, you ol’ Crank, there’s gotta be a trick here somewhere, right?”

And I’m telling you there’s not. And to prove it, here’s a photo I just took of my new $1 computer.

a one dollar computer Bought it at the Dollar Store. Yeah, I know what you’re saying again. (I’m special that way.) You’re saying, “But Crank, that’s just a calculator. Of course, they’re cheap.”

Yes, they are, but they’re computers nonetheless. And my grandpa told me that back in the 70s (or, as I call it, in “medieval times”) a bunch of his friends chipped in for his birthday and bought him a calculator that probably was like this and it cost them over $100. And that price had come down in the last few years from much higher.

Think about how powerful this thing is. It can do math better than you ever could and it’s practically free. So when Dr. Crankenfuss goes on one his usual rants, just remind him that there really are some pretty cool things going on out there.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Daniel’s Gettin’ a Bit Full of Himself with this LOVE THUG book

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Humor Post #105 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

People out there know I don’t say much bad about Daniel, the guy who started Freaky Dude Books and me, but sometimes he just needs a little talkin’ to. He’s just released LOVE THUG at Amazon this past weekend, he’s gotten one whole 5 star review, and now he thinks he’s like the next Justin Bieber of the literary world. He’s gone and entered this contest at The Kindle Book Review where he thinks he has a decent chance of getting recognized in the Young Adult category. Well, the cover DOES look mighty nice. If they judge the book by its cover, he DOES have a chance. (No wonder. It’s by Maureen Dunlap, his girlfriend.)

LOVE THUG
A Romantic Comedy for Teenagers (or almost teenagers)

He was all excited so I thought I’d try to be funny. I told him he had a better chance of getting recognized in the “Face Like a Turkey” contest but he didn’t go for that too much. That was kinda mean, I admit, but hey, that’s one of my talents and Daniel says that one of the lessons of LOVE THUG is “Be yourself” and that’s what I’m doing here, isn’t it? Anyway, he had to pay $20 to enter so I guess he’s “puttin’ his money where his mouth is,” as they say.

Tell you what. To make it up to Daniel, I’ll write a little cheery rap for him right now just in case he doesn’t win this thing. After all — don’t tell him I said this — the odds aren’t that great, are they? There will probably be lots of entries and there are a lot of good writers out there. (Lucky I didn’t enter or he NEVER woulda stood a chance. But there wasn’t a category for rap, and I haven’t written a book yet.)
Anyway, here’s my “feel good” rap for Daniel:

Don’t get too down if you don’t win,
You can always get up and try again,
Rejection can feel like a kick in the shin
But your true talent will win in the end.

Good luck, Daniel, in that Kindle Book Review Contest. After all, you never really do know where lightning is going to strike, do you?

For the rest of you, take a look at their ad. Looks pretty professional to me.


From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss