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Freak Speak

Dr. Crankenfuss’s Mean, Horrible, Stupid Day

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Post #145 from Dr. Crankenfuss, (Usually) The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping blogger (but not today) –

This was a bad day.
There’s no getting around it.
It’s lucky I can barely find my head
Because I need to pound it.

I usually try to act all awesome and cool like I know what I’m doing. This is not always the case. In fact, it’s only true a fraction of the time and I’m not naming the fraction. I’m mad at myself and pretty embarrassed. Today I couldn’t get anything write. (See??)

Here’s what happened:

First off, my English teacher had me hand out some essays that had been graded. Not too bad. It’s not like I could see anyone’s grade. The teacher puts the grades on the back page. Smart teacher. But it does kind of show the teacher thinks I can read people’s names and that I know who people are, which I guess is a compliment.

Well, I couldn’t. There were at least four names I didn’t recognize. A few times I gave paper to the wrong people and they like almost threw the papers back at me. One guy said, “Can’t you read, doofus?” Anyway, I had to give back a few papers to the teacher and I felt kind of stupid. It turned out that all the mystery people were almost always quiet in class and didn’t raise their hands much to ever answer anything, but that didn’t make me feel any better. It really means that I need to notice other people more, doesn’t it?

So on the way to lunch, I decided to be nice and open one of those swinging doors for a friend. The door opened okay. It’s just that I whacked someone to my left who wasn’t looking. I almost got beat up because this dude was way bigger than me. Lucky he wasn’t in too bad a mood cause I could have been whacked (for real).

Finally in gym, we had to run five laps to warm up. That shouldn’t have been too hard. Guess again. I hadn’t tied my shoelaces and I tripped over my own feet. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. The gym teacher came over to make sure I was okay and then said he’d have to put me in the “fitness protection program.” Ha, ha! Everyone’s a comedian especially when I’m the joke.

So now I’m home and I’m kind of scared to leave my room. No telling what I might do — stub my toe on a dust bunny? Get up from the computer with my headphones still on and send me or my computer flying? I mean, the day’s not over yet. There’s plenty more bad stuff that could happen.

Maybe I’ll just go to bed early. Like 5:00.

From Dr. Crankenfuss,
the knucklehead
who shoulda stayed in bed

Freak Speak, Uncategorized

CHICKEN NUGGETS?? FUGGEDABOUTIT!!

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Humor Post #127 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

I don’t mind tellin’ you. I love those chicken nuggets. Don’t matter which place they come from: Bojangles, McDonalds, Burger King, wherever, whatever, they’re good! Until now. It seems this science professor down in Mississippi analyzed those little boogers from two “major chains” (he didn’t say which ones) and found out some info I could have done without. Here’s my reaction. In a poem, natch.

WITH THESE CHICKEN BITS
I SHOULD CALL IT QUITS
by Dr. Crankenfuss

When I’m watching TV or just hanging out
And I wanna have a party in my mouth,
There ain’t a snack quite as kickin’
As a pack of nuggets made from chicken.

I settle in and take a bite;
Those chicken morsels are out of sight.
I hope I don’t sound like a big, fat lummox
But those things are phat for tongues and stomachs.

So now I read some doc’s analysis
That gave my gut instant paralysis.
He found what’s in a nugget of chicken.
Ain’t much better than an average nose pickin’.

There WAS some meat, Whew!
But lots of other stuff too
Like fat and gristle,
An occasional blood vessel,
Nerves and dead skin.
Are you still listenin?
I could have read more
But my stomach was too sore.

So after all the facts I’ve just cited,
Here’s what I’ve seriously decided:
There should be some parts of a chicken
That on my plate should be forbidden.
I shouldn’t be afraid I’ll kick the bucket
From chowin’ down on a chicken nugget.
So I think those chains really should
Not make those things taste so good.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

My New Music Video Is At YouTube — NO COMPLAINTS FROM ME

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drcrankenfuss-happy-260x300Humor Post #127 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

First things first. You can see my new rap video — I’M GONNA BE A HIP HOP STAR — by clicking here. Be sure to put it on full screen ’cause Daniel got the HD part working great.

Now check out that title at the top of this post. Amazing, isn’t it? No, not that I have a new rap video online. Hey, there’ll be more of those comin’ for sure. Nah, it’s the second part of the title that’s so amazing. I’m totally satisfied with it. No joke! Hey, even my picture (at the left) is different. See that smile on my face? Okay, so I have a hard time smiling. It’s not easy for a grouch like me to get all slappy-happy, okay. But I’m working on it.

Major props to Daniel for his work on this video. Couldn’t have done it without you, DB. Actually, I probably couldn’t have done any of it. I guess I’m sorry for pushing you so hard on this, bro, but hey, it’s my star vehicle, ya know. It was kind of hard for me to stay all cool and laid back about it. I hate to admit it, but I’m just a little bit self-centered. But a lot of you have figured that out already, haven’t you?

Except for the video, not much to say today. That’s ’cause I gotta get back to working on my book. Yeah, that’s right — A BOOK! Right now, I’m thinking the title should be DR. CRANKENFUSS IS TICKED OFF AND HE AIN’T TAKIN’ IT NO MORE! but who knows, I may end up having one of my bango-smasho brainstorms and it’ll change. It will have some of my posts — the best ones, of course — and a bunch of jokes and cartoons Daniel and I are working on. I’m thinking a month should be enough, but as long as we get it out by mid December, I’m fine with that.

Actually, that’s it. Not much humor today, but hey, I’ve been kind of tied up. Okay, how’s this for something not about me?

You know those”World’s Strongest Man” contests on TV. Well I have an event that would be a killer for those guys: Prying apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.

There you go. Now I can still officially call this another humor post.

From your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Between football and baseball, football’s #1 and baseball’s #8 or so.

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Humor Post #126 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Yo, peeps. If you’re watching the baseball playoffs, you’re probably watching some great baseball. You and about fifty people around the world.

Yeah, I’m exaggerizing. Millions do watch, but very few millions. Now me, I like baseball. This year I’m for the Pirates. Or Cleveland. Or Oakland. Or anybody else who doesn’t win the World Series too often. (Or ever.) Or I cheer for some team whose city is often put down. Hey, it’s easy to root for teams who usually win and who can afford to spend $25 million for one crummy player — see NY Yankees and one Alex Rodriguez — or for cities that have big tourist business, but to me it’s much more exciting to see underdogs win. I mean, who plans a vacation trip to Cleveland or Detroit?

So what do I mean by that oh so mysterious title of mine? Well, I’ll explain. I was online reading ESPN — my favorite news site — and I clicked on MLB (for Major League Baseball) to see what time different playoff games were on. But what I found out was how little interest there is even in teams’ home towns. For example, tonight Tampa Bay is playing Cleveland. At Cleveland. As you may know, Cleveland has had some pitiful press lately, what with that guy imprisoning those women for ten years and so on. You’d think they’d be going crazy over their team. But this morning there were still over 800 tickets still available for the game. (If you don’t believe me, go to this page and check it out for yourself.

HUH? They can’t even fill up their own stadium for a playoff game? Why am I using my (incredibly valuable) time to watch something that can’t even sell out where it happens.

It gets worse. There are 4-5,000 seats available for most all the games through the weekend. And Monday and Tuesday, the Dodgers and Detroit have around 10,000 tickets unsold! Those little guys (the tickets, not the players) are probably sitting around hoping someone will adopt them or else they’ll get tossed into the garbage like… well, like garbage. LA has like 10 million people or somewhere around that and they can’t sell out their ballpark? Please! Aren’t these the most important games of the year?

I don’t think football has this problem. People go crazy over the pro playoffs. Heck, on Saturday afternoons, even college games don’t have any trouble selling out. I think it’s Michigan that packs in like 108,000 people for their home games. 108 thousand?? They probably have to pass out oxygen masks for the people sitting in the top rows. They should at least provide telescopes.

Compared to football, baseball doesn’t cut it in fan support. Point made. Game, set, and match to Dr. Crankenfuss. Baseball, make yourselves more relevant or you might lose probably your most important fan. That would be me, of course.

From your dude with the ‘tude,
The sports-loving Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Want to Get Rich/ Without a Glitch?/ It’s a Matter of Which/ Wagon to Hitch

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Humor Post #122 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Today I’m not going to be honest! Yeah, you heard me. Mr. Straight Talker is going crooked. Here’s why.

I was thinking of some clever way to tell people how to get rich and put it in one of my crazy raps, you know? I was due for a good rap. But all I could think of was to work hard and do what you’re told and stuff like that. What’s the fun in telling people that? They can get that junk from their parents or their teachers. So I let my imagination go and this is what I came up with. I don’t really think it’s great advice, but it’s a great rap and that’s what really counts.

So anyway, here’s my poem.

HOW TO GET RICH (THE EASY WAY)
by Dr. Crankenfuss

Say, you got money on the brain?
Wanna make so much, you’ll go insane?
Parents try to steer you to medicine or law,
But those salaries don’t leave me in awe.
Their pay don’t come close to approachin’
The Benjamins earned in basketball coachin’.
Coach K takes in near 11 mill;
His kids’ path in life is hardly uphill.

But actors and athletes —
Their aim’s the same —
To entertain —
They make bigger bucks and they get uber fame.
But if you’re more private; don’t need the adulation,
Be the CEO of a big corporation.
Your take home pay will be hundreds of mills;
Makes it kinda easy to pay the light bill.

Want even more? (But this ain’t easy to fake.)
Move to Arabia. Become an oil sheik.

But even though all these plans are jivin’
They still take lots of work or connivin’.
I want something easier: coin without sweat;
Don’t want a long term nine-to-five permit.

So my plan to get everyone all hot on me?
Plunk my dollars down on the Powerball Lottery.
My chances ain’t great, but they’re probably better
Than all those schemes I’ve listed in this letter.
I’m not a hard worker and my grades usually suck
So I’m hitchin’ my wagon to Lady Luck.
So while you’re out there worryin’ ‘bout your next job placement,
I’ll be counting future winnings in my parents’ basement.

The End

See, it’s meant to be ironic. I don’t really believe you should count on winning the lottery to make a living. THAT’S DUMB! (That’s why I put in that last line.) My mom says the lottery is a tax on dumb people. I know what she means, but hey, somebody DOES win sometimes so they sure weren’t dumb.

Anyway, that’s all I got for you this time. Hope you liked the rhymes, at least. Maybe I could start a bunch of raps called Raps for Dumb People. (And don’t go telling me I’ve already done that!)

I’ll shut up now.

From Your Dude with a Screwy ‘Tude (but just for today, I hope),
Dr. Crankenfuss