Humor Post #88 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –
I didn’t make this up, but it’s too good not to pass on.
If “a” is the area of a circle, and “z” is the radius…
well, then, pi * z * z = a
(Remember, if you’ve forgotten your middle school math, an asterisk means TIMES.)
That’s it, the shortest post by Crankenfuss ever.
You can stop your cheering now.
Oh yeah, BTW, Daniel’s new books are now out at Apple and B&N. Should be on Amazon this week. Two Moose Joke Books and a literary novel released in the same month! Woo hoo!
Humor Post #77 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –
Last post I had something nice to say. For once. I said I liked my mailman even though I thought his job wasn’t long for this world. Well, I changed my mind. That’s what I get for being nice. Oh, my mailman’s still okay. Unless they move his job to behind the counter at the post office. Then I won’t like him anymore.
“Huh?” you’re saying (and not quietly either). Let me explain. I wanted to send a few CDs I’d made to my cousin yesterday so I got my mom to take me to the post office cause they have those padded kinds of envelopes I needed. So I get the package, which costs $1.79. Sounds fair. Everything’s copacetic so far. I write the address and all that on the package, stick in the CDs, and I’m set to go. I get up to the guy behind the counter, he weighs the package, and I pay him for the stamps. Still everything’s just fine and dandy.
Then I ask him to put an extra piece of tape on the flap of the envelope to make sure the CDs don’t fall out, you know. No big deal, I think, and better safe than sorry and all that. Well, it turns out it IS a big deal. “You didn’t send your package priority mail so we can’t give you any tape,” the guy says.
Are you kidding me? A lousy piece of tape? What’s it gotta cost the post office — maybe half a cent? I just gave the guy like four bucks for my stuff and this is the gentle kindness I receive. I asked him again about it and he said again that if I sent the package priority mail, he’d put a piece of tape on it. But that would cost me extra, like way more than half a cent extra. Sure, it would get there a couple days earlier but hey, my cousin’s getting the music for free. He doesn’t even know he’s getting it since it’s a surprise. What’s he care if it comes in two days or five days?
So I know the post office is in trouble and all that, but saving your precious pieces of tape ain’t gonna solve the problem, bro’. I just hope that package doesn’t break open or I might have to find a lawyer. One that specializes in kids that would look sweet and sympathetic on the news.
So, ol’ Crankenfuss still likes his mailman. It’s just that he doesn’t feel so bad about the post office being in trouble anymore.
So all of you out there, stay strong, stay smart, and plan ahead if you’re sending any packages at the post office. Bring your own tape.
Humor Post #72 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –
Just a few thoughts today on what I think should replace some of the silly sports in the Olympics that few of us care about. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just have a look at my post from a few days back. In no particular order, here are some new events that I am POSITIVE would bring scads of new viewers to Olympic broadcasts.
1) Tug-of-war. We’ll start with an oldie-but-goodie. Tug-of-war actually used to be an Olympic sport like 100 years ago. Well, Crankenfuss says, “Bring that baby back.” While most people can’t tell you anything about how to score synchronized swimming technique, everyone knows how to figure out who wins tug-of-war. The guys who drag their opponents over that line as the losers are wimpering and crying for their mamas. Men’s, women’s, hey, why not the under 2’s. Man, that would be sweet.
2) Dog tricks. Hey, while most everyone who competes in dressage, which is also known as “horse ballet” — editorial comment: GAG!! — is no doubt rich, even a poor guy can train a dog. The dog trick competition would make the Olympics truly democratic. Yes, the border collies would probably have an advantage, but I’ve seen them at rescue places so it’s not like they wouldn’t be available. Everyone loves Letterman’s stupid pet trick pieces so I’m sure it would be the same in the Olympics. And we could throw in dog frisbee too.
3) The world’s funniest videos. That show has been on since like Roman times and I still laugh at it all the time. And those are just the American ones. You don’t think they couldn’t come up with some funny ones from, say, Japan. I’ve seen some of their game shows; those guys are whacked. All you need is an IPhone or a Droid and you’re set and you can get them all over the world.
4) Olympic Wipeout. Always a tv winner in my book. People falling into mud baths and getting fish thrown at them (or spaghetti) or getting jiggled to death by some death machine. What’s not to like?
5) Okay, some of the ones above might be frowned upon by a few of you. But who can really disagree with the next one: DANCESPORT. Yeah, you heard me right: DANCING. Look who keeps winning on Dancing with the Stars — ex pro athletes. They certainly think it’s cool to dance. And the Winter Olympics already has ice skating and — get ready for this — ICE DANCING! Oh, so it’s okay to dance on ice, but not on a floor. Gimme a break. I don’t care how many categories they have. They could have waltz and quickstep for the old people and hip hop and crunk for the young dudes like yours truly. C’mon, if they have BMX cycling in the Olympics now, how much longer can they keep out salsa or hip hop? Huge ratings, here we come.
I have more ideas, but no more time right now. Gotta go, never be slow, make some dough, maybe buy a chateau, make the big show, that be me, yo. That would be
Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss
Peace out. Word. And whatever else works.
Humor Post #67 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –
Please everyone, before we start… Go check out the menu above for this site. See the link just after “Home”? What a thing of beauty that is, don’t you think? Dr. Crankenfuss’s Blog. Makes you appreciate what a great country you live in, doesn’t it?
Anyway, here’s a short and sad story. It’s the story of a dude who really likes Tiger Woods. So he goes and buys a ticket to see Tiger at the U.S. Open. (FYI, that’s one of the biggest and hardest tournaments there is. It’s a high class tournament in a beautiful place.) Now, say the guy lives near San Francisco. Well then, he can go see Tiger for somewhere around $200-300 for one round cause they played the tournament near San Francisco. At least that’s as close as I could figure it out from my incredibly thorough web research. Of course, then there’s probably $50 for parking, but we won’t mention that. If he has to fly in, ooh, that’s way more for the flight and the hotel, the meals, all those souvenirs like the life-sized blow-up doll of Tiger, and lots of other cool stuff.
So he wants Tiger to see him, to really notice him, ya know, so Tiger will remember him and appreciate what a great fan he is. So he dresses in a way that’s hard for Tiger to miss. A way that truly honors his hero.
This is a guy who gets to vote? And they won't let kids vote? (This picture came from Reuters.)
Yep, that’s right. He dresses up in a tiger suit. Now this isn’t some six-year-old getting ready for Halloween. It’s an ADULT MAN who gets to vote and to drive and probably has a job and responsibilities and the ability to fork out a bunch of money to see Tiger in person. How can things be so bad if this dude can scrounge up all that money? And the tiger suit. That had to run him half a week’s salary at Big Lots or Family Dollar.
Anyway, if I could talk to this guy (and I really wouldn’t want to), I’d say, “Dude, this getup makes you look like an idiot. You know, as in F-I-D-I-O-T! I don’t know if Tiger saw you, but if golfers get freaked out by people talking too much or by taking pictures, he probably had a meltdown when he saw you!”
Hey Tiger, over here, over here. (Photo by Associated Press.)
“Hey, that’s probably why Tiger flamed out this weekend,” I’d go on. By this time, he’s trying to get away but I keep following him giving him my deep insightful analysis . “Tiger was doing great on the first two days, you toe sucker, but then he got an eyeful of you jumping up and down and calling his name and BOOM! His game got zombified. And it’s ALL YOUR FAULT!”
And think about those other poor people walking nearby in the top picture. The one guy in the sunglasses is going, “Give me a break, bimbo!” and the others are doing their best to pretend they’re not in Madagascar III. Some woman in the crowd is probably telling her husband, “We paid $1000 for this? I wanted to spend our vacation money to go see a live performance of ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ but you said we should come and see Tiger. Well here he is, right next to you. Why don’t you ask him for his autograph? Oh, you’re going to pay for this one, big boy. Just you wait.” And the poor husband is going to himself, “Why me, Lord? Why me?”
And to top it off, during the award ceremonies, some guy dressed up like a bird jumped in front of the champion and started “tweeting” on television. Really! What is happening to our world. Two weeks ago we had an epidemic of zombie attacks, people eating each other’s faces and sending body parts through the mail. (I’m not making this up. I saw it on television. On the real news, not in “The Walking Dead.”)
Yes sir, we live in a great country, yes we do. Lucky we have the freedom we do or guys like this would be put in places they deserve.
Anyway, that’s all I got. It’s not much, but Daniel has been drawing cartoons of moose for around 10 hours a day so I don’t get to write squat. Talk to you soon, I hope.
Till later,
from Your Dude with the Tude
Dr. Crankenfuss
Humor Post #63 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –
No jokes today, people. Ol’ Crankenfuss has turned over a new leaf. For today, anyway. (BTW, what’s with that “turning over a new leaf” thing? If it’s in your yard, like so what? If it’s in a book or album, like so what? Either way, it certainly doesn’t take much effort, does it? But sure enough, I’m already off-topic. Hello, ADD. Just forget what you just read in these parentheses. Or start this post over and just skip this part. Sorry.) Yep, he’s going to solve something everybody really cares about: missing children.
I’m serious. Practically every day there’s news about some poor child who disappears. Around here, they issue an “amber alert” when that happens and they have announcements all over the TV and the radio. I’m sure a lot of these kids have just wandered off and are found. Others have been kind of “kidnapped” by one of their parents from the other one if the parents are split up, like after a divorce, you know. But the ones who get on national news often end up getting killed. It’s really scary and terrible, no matter how you look at it. No matter which category it falls in, a missing child means lots of anguish and pain for the child’s parent(s) and family even if it’s only for a few hours.
But most all of this could be stopped with one small innovation that’s actually already here. It’s to put a GPS computer chip in every kid. Probably while they’re still in the hospital, right after birth. Lots of dog owners do that with their dogs. The chips are getting tinier and tinier and will be practically invisible in a few years. They could be easily hidden inside a kid’s body to prevent them from being taken out. I’ve read about guys who’ve been shot and they still have the bullet inside them the rest of their lives. It’s not common, for sure, but it does happen. And they seem to do okay, so it would be very possible for people to walk around with a tiny chip in them. The way science is going, they could probably put the chip almost anywhere. If it was always put in the same place, a kidnapper could cut the chip out of someone. But if he didn’t know where it was, he couldn’t. And the child’s parent would probably activate their GPS thing and know where their kid was before a kidnapper could do anything anyway.
Let’s say a mom is at the mall and her child goes missing. She could activate her “child finder” GPS and it would pinpoint exactly where her child was. And if it showed that her child was already a mile or two from the mall, that would show a certain kidnapping and the police could get involved. But with such an accurate location device, they’d find the child pretty quickly. Just the possibility of this happening would probably cut down on a lot of this stuff. After all, kidnapping is definitely a felony everywhere and that would mean lots of jail time for sure.
Just recently some crazy woman stole a baby from a lady leaving the hospital. She killed the mother, but if the baby had one of those GPS devices inside already, they could have found that psycho immediately. Hey, she probably wouldn’t have done it knowing how easy it would be to catch her.
Now I know a lot of kids wouldn’t like their parents always “spying” on them. But hey, when they were 18, they could have the thing taken out of them since then they’d be adults. But I bet a lot of people would keep it inside them anyway and just let their husbands or wives know all about it.
There it is, all wrapped up like a beautiful present. So when are people are going to get smart and use this new science to protect their children?
From Dr. Crankenfuss, a guy with good ideas more often than you’d think
Humor Post #88 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –
