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Freak Speak

Want to Get Rich/ Without a Glitch?/ It’s a Matter of Which/ Wagon to Hitch

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Humor Post #122 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

Today I’m not going to be honest! Yeah, you heard me. Mr. Straight Talker is going crooked. Here’s why.

I was thinking of some clever way to tell people how to get rich and put it in one of my crazy raps, you know? I was due for a good rap. But all I could think of was to work hard and do what you’re told and stuff like that. What’s the fun in telling people that? They can get that junk from their parents or their teachers. So I let my imagination go and this is what I came up with. I don’t really think it’s great advice, but it’s a great rap and that’s what really counts.

So anyway, here’s my poem.

HOW TO GET RICH (THE EASY WAY)
by Dr. Crankenfuss

Say, you got money on the brain?
Wanna make so much, you’ll go insane?
Parents try to steer you to medicine or law,
But those salaries don’t leave me in awe.
Their pay don’t come close to approachin’
The Benjamins earned in basketball coachin’.
Coach K takes in near 11 mill;
His kids’ path in life is hardly uphill.

But actors and athletes —
Their aim’s the same —
To entertain —
They make bigger bucks and they get uber fame.
But if you’re more private; don’t need the adulation,
Be the CEO of a big corporation.
Your take home pay will be hundreds of mills;
Makes it kinda easy to pay the light bill.

Want even more? (But this ain’t easy to fake.)
Move to Arabia. Become an oil sheik.

But even though all these plans are jivin’
They still take lots of work or connivin’.
I want something easier: coin without sweat;
Don’t want a long term nine-to-five permit.

So my plan to get everyone all hot on me?
Plunk my dollars down on the Powerball Lottery.
My chances ain’t great, but they’re probably better
Than all those schemes I’ve listed in this letter.
I’m not a hard worker and my grades usually suck
So I’m hitchin’ my wagon to Lady Luck.
So while you’re out there worryin’ ‘bout your next job placement,
I’ll be counting future winnings in my parents’ basement.

The End

See, it’s meant to be ironic. I don’t really believe you should count on winning the lottery to make a living. THAT’S DUMB! (That’s why I put in that last line.) My mom says the lottery is a tax on dumb people. I know what she means, but hey, somebody DOES win sometimes so they sure weren’t dumb.

Anyway, that’s all I got for you this time. Hope you liked the rhymes, at least. Maybe I could start a bunch of raps called Raps for Dumb People. (And don’t go telling me I’ve already done that!)

I’ll shut up now.

From Your Dude with a Screwy ‘Tude (but just for today, I hope),
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Daniel’s First Attempt at Flash Fiction. See what you think.

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Yes, I know this is a shock. “What the #$%&@#%$ happened to Dr. Crankenfuss? He looks awful!” you’re saying. “Was he in some kind of industrial accident?” Well, no, the Crank is fine. That’s not Dr. Crankenfuss on the left at all. It’s me: Daniel Berenson, the head guy at Freaky Dude Books and the dude who’s nice enough (so far) to lease some space in his head to the good doctor.

And now you’re no doubt thinking, “Just look at him! What’s he got to smile about?” Well, a lot actually. My books are getting more noticed, all the reviews (over 40 of them) are 4 or 5 starred (except for one). I’m in the middle of editing and formatting my sixth book, a poetry book by and for kids, and it will be coming out in September. Also I’m happy to announce that I’ll be giving away a bunch of free stuff in the next few weeks so keep checking back or you might miss it.

But as the title of this post states, this is my first stab at Flash Fiction, which is literature for the Twitter generation, I guess. I entered a contest. There were five categories — stuff like “Write a murder mystery that has a party in it and doesn’t have over 50 words, including the title,” or “Write a romance with a horse in it somewhere. 45 words max.” I chose, “Write a children’s poem about The Adventures of Max Little. It has to involve bravery or courage and can’t be over 40 words, including the title.”

Here was my entry:

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

Max Little wanted dinner:
Something like himself.
So he scuba dove
Down to an ocean shelf.

He battled squid and octopi.
He survived, but with a limp.
But Max got his dinner —
Tasty jumbo shrimp.

Total = 40 words

Was I pleased with myself or what? A sure winner, I thought. Okay, it’s not aimed at kids exactly. Would most children get the exact parallelism between “Max Little” and “jumbo shrimp”? Did the contest judges? But fighting squid and octopi? Hey, that’s very courageous. Remember that big squid — or was it an octopus? — in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. That guy was ginormous.

Long story short. (Ha, ha. See how I incorporated the essence of Flash Fiction into those three little words?) I LOST. “No, no way!” you say. WAY! Anyhoo, it’s they who have truly lost. Now I have the rights to this poem and it will be my first entry in my Flash Fiction oeuvre. And I’ll add it to my Poetic Poetry page. Now it’s time for my next self-imposed challenge: Dinner for two within one hour using only chicken, oleomargarine, and mosquito repellent. Ooh, Maureen’s gonna love this!

Freak Speak

iPad and Kindle Workers Don’t Make Enough, But That’s Also True For a Lot of our Stuff

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Humor Post #115 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Whew, I’ve had a kind of rough time since I put out that BOOKS ARE EVIL post. See I was arguing that Kindles and iPads made more sense for kids than paper books. You can go back and read it if you want. Some people agreed with me, but some got kind of mad at me. I guess I need a thicker skin. Now how do I grow one of those and if I do, will I look more like an elephant?

That was supposed to be a joke. Pretty bad, huh? Okay, you don’t have to agree so loudly.

But I am willing to admit one big problem with our tablets that I didn’t know much about when I wrote that article. They all seem to be made in China or some country in Asia where workers make like, if they’re lucky, a dollar a day. That’s bad. And I checked out some of my books and they’re all printed in the USA. So I’m ready to say we should be willing to pay a bit more for tablets if they could be made here. But then I figured out something else. Most everything we buy that’s not food comes from Asia. And our food is mostly picked by workers from Mexico and Central America. And I’m not exaggerating. Look at my house. I mean we have a Samsung television and an Hitachi TV. Asia. Our refrigerator and washer/dryer are all LG. Asia.

Then I went through my clothes. Guess how many brands were made in the USA. Guess. No, I really mean Guess. My Guess shirt was practically the only thing I could find made in the USA. I have New Balance sneaks made in China, shirts made in Pakistan, Korea, China, Hong Kong, Taiwan, India. And I just saw on the news tonight about a clothes factory in Bangladesh where they have girls as young as 12 working there and another building fell down a month or two ago nearby and over 1000 people died. Over 1000 and they were all making clothes!! Imagine if something like that happened here. I think it would take up quite a bit of news time, don’t you? And tonight they showed the labels of the clothes those people in Bangladesh were making. The labels said ASICs and Wrangler and WalMart. (I’m sure there were other brands at other factories, but that’s what they showed tonight.)

So I gotta say it. And I’ll say it in a poem. Natch.

TABLETS AND OTHER STUFF WE NEED AND LIKE A LOT
by Dr. Crankenfuss

I don’t understand it,
What can I say?
Almost nothing I own’s
Made in the US of A.

My shoes come from Vietnam or China,
Calvin Klein’s made in Hong Kong,
Almost the only thing I have not from the far East
Is a polyester shirt from Oman.

India, Korea, Pakistan,
Don’t matter if it’s for a woman or a man,
I don’t know what happened to all the US workers,
Must be they’re all frying fast food burgers.

So I guess to be fair I should give up my iPad,
Its workers are exploited and somehow that’s my bad,
I could read paper books printed here I suppose
But shouldn’t I also learn to live without clothes?

Just sayin’.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (who’s still learning, ya know),
Dr. Crankenfuss
P.S. And thanks to everybody who gave me your ideas here or at LinkedIn, Facebook, and GoodReads. It’s cool to get mail from you.

Freak Speak

BULLYING: THERE’S NO EASY FIX, MAYBE NO FIX AT ALL. BUT HERE’S SOME ADVICE.

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Humor Post #113 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

No humor today, people. I’m going to talk about a problem that bothers me a lot: bullying. It’s lucky that I’m not a big victim of bullying. Probably a matter of luck in some way. My humor and being a wise**s in class probably makes some people think I’m not too much of a dweeb. I get myself in trouble by being called down by the teacher so maybe the bullies think I’m something like them. Plus I never say no if someone asks me for help on a problem or their homework (if it’s not too long) so maybe I’m considered a bit valuable. And maybe it’s partly ’cause I like sports so much though I’m not good enough to make the school teams. (On a scale of 10, I’m probably around a 6.) But I can talk sports as well as anybody and that makes me seem more “normal,” I guess. Also I wear the same type clothes most everyone does. Nothing hurts you worse than looking like you don’t have a clue about how to dress. People pick up on that fast.

But I do see bullying. I see kids getting their books knocked out of their hands or being called names. And no, I don’t get up in the bully’s face and tell him to stop. (And I’m not talking about girl bullying. Some of those girls are even meaner than the guys.) The most I’ve ever done is get kind of close so maybe the bully can see there’s a witness. I think that’s helped a few times, but I don’t take much credit for it. A few times I’ve gone in a teacher’s room (if I knew the teacher) and quietly let them know there was a problem outside. But only a few. I don’t want to be called a snitch. For some people, that’s the worst thing there is.

I know what the right thing to do is. Stand up for people. Easy to say, not easy to do ’cause it’s so dangerous. (If I have to explain why, you’re probably not smart enough to be reading this.) Let’s face it: there are some mean people in this world. And they’re not the type to change just because someone tells them they’re not being nice. Maybe they had a hard life and they’re angry. Doesn’t matter. They still can hurt you.

So I’ve done what I always like to do: write a poem. I don’t know if it’ll do any good and I know I’m no hero. But here it is.

HOW TO SORT OF DEAL WITH BULLYING
by Dr. Crankenfuss

Bullying is bad,
Most people agree.
You see encouraging ads
They put on TV.

There’s a nationwide program
Do-Gooders share,
But there’s one little problem:
Bullies don’t care.

They don’t ever feel
Their job is finished,
And if they get caught,
They’re hardly ever punished.

If they’re called to the office,
Their parents usually whine.
See, lots of bad fruit
Comes from the same vine.

The best plan is clear:
Stay out of their sight.
If they don’t notice you,
You’ll be all right.

Sometimes someone
Stands up and fights back.
But it’s then that bullies’ friends
Join the attack.

And school’s not the end,
There’s a monster combine,
If they miss you in class,
They can get you online.

Bullies are dictators,
They award themselves crowns.
They feel like kings
If they can hold you down.

But nature can be cruel,
And there are bullies in history.
That there are bullies in school
Should be no mystery.

Sometimes you can take comfort
That school’s just a stage
‘Cause many bullies grow up
To make minimum wage.

But others are rewarded,
They make the big bucks.
It’s a sad piece of evidence
That life sometimes sucks.

The public likes bad boys
And it’s not subliminal.
Look how Hollywood
Practically worships the criminal.

Look how we idolize
Athletes beating their chests.
Some fans think they’re cool
If their team is the best.

My only advice
Is to look for connection.
Find your own kind,
Stick together for protection.

Believe in yourself,
Work hard and in time
You’ll see being different
Is in no way a crime.

Pursue what you love,
Find out where you’re best,
‘Cause nobody’s special
If they’re exactly like the rest.

Don’t ever give up,
Life’s one long fight.
Give ’em your best shot
And you might be all right.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (who wishes he was braver),
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Hey, I’m puttin’ my stuff on WeWriWa. How cool is that?

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Hey, Dr. Crankenfuss here. My last rap post was so awesome, I’m putting a bunch of it on WeWriWa (The Weekend Writing Warriors Website). They’re only giving me 150 words so here goes.
**************************************************
ODE TO SPRING (ME OUTTA HERE!)

Learnin’ my math
And ABC’s
But nuthin much matters
No more to me
Feelin’ kind of blah
No dedication
But I think I know
The explanation.

I look outside
Blue skies, trees green
Sittin’ in class
Seems kinda obscene
This ain‘t no place
For a true freaky dude
Didn’t we outlaw
Involuntary servitude?

Feelin’ all tied up
And listless… yeah, true!
You heard of spring fever?
Well I got spring FLU!
As the Crank, I seek da truth
My questions never end
But now I’m only askin’,
“When is school gonna end?”

Ain’t seven months hard labor
Enough for any young soul?
Shouldn’t they be showin’ us Heaven
‘Stead of keepin’ us here in this hole?
Nature is tellin’ us somethin’
The worms go to the first birdie
Maybe we could fly like eagles
If you’d only stop school early
**************************************************************************************************************
Well, that’s it. 146 words total. Like I said, the limit was 150 words so I had to stop ’bout 2/3 through. But for the whole thing, you can go back to my last post. But the idea is you can comment on my knock-em-dead rap right here — well, in the comment box anyway — or you can go to WeWriWa and check out all the other 8-sentence or 150-word-poetry samples other people posted and see what you find. Pretty cool idea, if you ask me. And you can see how da Crank stacks up ‘gainst those other dudes.

AND THEN I GOT EVEN BIGGER NEWS FOR EVERYBODY. Daniel’s putting out a NEW BOOK next week! Actually it’s my favorite one so far and that means it totally crunk. It’s called LOVE THUG and it’s cool cause it’s short, hilarious, stupid, clever, with big illustrations, and short. Hey, did I mention it’s short? Guys usually like that. Like those Wimpy Kid books that pretend to be like 220 pages but if they were printed regular, they’d be like 80 pages max. Well, LOVE THUG is about that long. And pretty close to that good. So keep checking the OUR BOOKS page to see when it comes out and in the meantime, try out some of the samples of the books Daniel already has out there. I mean STORIES GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SICK? And two MOOSE JOKE BOOKS? What’s not to like?

Thanks to WeWriWa for the chance to share and I’ll be back soon.
From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss