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CHICKEN NUGGETS?? FUGGEDABOUTIT!!

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Humor Post #127 from Dr. Crankenfuss, The World’s Awesomest Raving and Rapping Middle School blogger –

I don’t mind tellin’ you. I love those chicken nuggets. Don’t matter which place they come from: Bojangles, McDonalds, Burger King, wherever, whatever, they’re good! Until now. It seems this science professor down in Mississippi analyzed those little boogers from two “major chains” (he didn’t say which ones) and found out some info I could have done without. Here’s my reaction. In a poem, natch.

WITH THESE CHICKEN BITS
I SHOULD CALL IT QUITS
by Dr. Crankenfuss

When I’m watching TV or just hanging out
And I wanna have a party in my mouth,
There ain’t a snack quite as kickin’
As a pack of nuggets made from chicken.

I settle in and take a bite;
Those chicken morsels are out of sight.
I hope I don’t sound like a big, fat lummox
But those things are phat for tongues and stomachs.

So now I read some doc’s analysis
That gave my gut instant paralysis.
He found what’s in a nugget of chicken.
Ain’t much better than an average nose pickin’.

There WAS some meat, Whew!
But lots of other stuff too
Like fat and gristle,
An occasional blood vessel,
Nerves and dead skin.
Are you still listenin?
I could have read more
But my stomach was too sore.

So after all the facts I’ve just cited,
Here’s what I’ve seriously decided:
There should be some parts of a chicken
That on my plate should be forbidden.
I shouldn’t be afraid I’ll kick the bucket
From chowin’ down on a chicken nugget.
So I think those chains really should
Not make those things taste so good.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

A New UNCLE SAM POSTER for today’s times

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Humor Post #117 from The World’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Well, I gotta admit, I’m kinda tired lately. If I was using my usually far-out, intellectual vocabulary, I could say I was fatigued or uh… flagging, but I’m too tired to, so I’ll just say I’m pooped out. Oh, no, that doesn’t sound right either, especially if you’re one of those “Ha, ha, didn’t he just say poop?” kind of chuckleheads.

Well, there I go again. Off-topic, as usual. Okay, the reason I’m so enervated — Ha! I just found that one at THESAURUS.COM and it’s a very cool word because it sounds like it means the opposite of what it really means. Very tricky, dudes! — is that Daniel is going on like three hours of sleep a night. He’s been all involved in this LOVE THUG giveaway at Amazon and that’s okay and all, but it’s keeping me from my beauty rest too.

But I DID help Daniel come up with something to take his mind off all those numbers and networking. I gave him the idea for this new UNCLE SAM POSTER. It’s kinda how Daniel and I feel a lot of the time. We feel like we’re working so hard all the time, there’s no time for fun. So here’s the idea I gave him:
uncle_sam_work_till_you_die_poster_smaller
Pretty cool, huh! So even though we’re working hard, at least we came up with something good.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

“BOOKS ARE EVIL. LET’S BAN BOOKS!” — a follow-up reply to my critics

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Humor Post #114 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Oh, I just found out something in the last week. I kind of knew it already but now I’m sure about it. Here’s what I learned: IF YOU WANT TO GET ATTENTION, SAY SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL. What I’m talking about is my post — and BTW, it’s called a HUMOR POST and every one of my posts out of the last 90 or so has those two words right at the top — entitled “BOOKS ARE EVIL. THEY’RE KILLING US. LET’S BAN BOOKS!” It’s gotten some fan mail, but it’s also gotten some  me-not-like-you-very-much-at-all mail. (Daniel put it up at LinkedIn too.) Now I like the fan mail of course. And I gotta admit I’m hurt a bit by the other kind. I have feelings too, believe it or not. Now I know that I give off a pretty arrogant attitude on this blog. It’s on purpose. Hey, I call myself DR. CRANKENFUSS. Whaddya expect with a name like that? Look at my t-shirt. Look at that portrait that goes at the top of my posts. Hey, in real life I’m nicer looking than that. I don’t really have steam coming out of my ears. And I’m not nearly as bald as that guy is. Dr. Crankenfuss is my persona. And yes, I do know what a persona is. And I know what irony is too. Dr. C is exaggerized (that’s half exaggerated and half aggrandized).

I went back to my very first post at Freaky Dude Books and it says the squeaky wheel gets the grease and I’m going to be that squeaky wheel. I called myself a “cranky curmudgeon” and said I’m a know-it-all. That’s the way I act online. I already wrote posts about how in real life, I’m kind of shy — see Handshake Horror, for example — and that I don’t have a girlfriend. Ooh, that hurts to admit. But here on the web, I get to act like I want. I’m Dr. Crankenfuss.

But I also found out I’m getting the most response from that BOOKS ARE EVIL post. Ever since then, I’ve had one really complimentary post about this 91-year-old Sy Perlis and called him my hero, and just a few days ago, I had this very serious essay about bullying in schools. They both took me a long time. Guess how many responses I’ve gotten from them. Practically none. What good is it to write stuff if no one cares? Lots of people say they like hearing good news. Well, my Sy Perlis post was totally good news and my bullying post was not good news, because bullying isn’t good, but I did say for people to hang in there and things would get better. That’s very positive coming from Crankenfuss.

And Crankenfuss knows how to be ironic. On May 31, I wrote a post called WHAT’S WITH THE WAY WE USE FORKS AND KNIVES AT THE TABLE. IT’S CRA-A-A-Z-Z-Y! Now I know it’s not CRAZY! I was exaggerizing again.

So I’ll put this post up but I already have two more reasons why Kindles and iPads and Nooks are the way to go in the future instead of books, but I don’t want to get too off-topic here so come back in a few days for those.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

IF YOU WANT TO SEE SAW AT SCHOOL, GO TO PARIS

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Humor Post #111 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Yes, I know what many of you are saying. You’re saying, “Crankendoofus, if I want to see saw, I can do that in hundreds of playgrounds all over the USA.”

Nice try, dudes (and dudettes)! That’s not exactly what I’m talking about. See, my incredibly clever title got you all stumped, flummoxed, and discombobulated. Go to the link below and you’ll see what my headline meant. But be sure to come back when you’re done reading about it.

Click here and prepare to be shocked.

Like wha….?? That guy showed that movie to a class of sixth graders? If someone did that at my school, sure some people would cheer — mainly the boys — but a lot of others would chuck, as in upchuck. And parents would be coming in with tar and feathers and pitchforks (like in Frankenstein kinds of movies). But hey, look at how he got punished. A one day suspension! Like whoooo, they sure are strict over in France!

I guess ol’ Crankenfuss could put it like this (if he wanted to do a rap about it):

A REVOLUTIONARY WAY TO TEACH ANATOMY
THAT’S PRETTY REVOLTING

By Dr. Crankenfuss

If you want a cool anatomy class
That’ll put you in awe
You can’t do much better
Than seeing Saw.

It’s got lots of body parts,
And crimes against the law.
It’s kind of gross watching
Kids turned to cole slaw.

The teacher would get in trouble
But his punishment would be lame
‘Cause after one day of suspension
He can show you more of the same.

Most kids would probably hate it,
They’d barf their guts all out,
But horror fans would love it,
They’d scream and cheer and shout.

I don’t know about you
But if I get the chance
I’m sayin’ good-bye to my school
And moving to Paris, France.

From your Dude with the ‘Tude (and the totally sicko sense of humor),
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

BOOKS ARE EVIL. THEY’RE KILLING US. LET’S BAN BOOKS!

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Humor Post #110 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Those of you who read me regularly — and I know there must be millions of you — know that I’m smart (like DUH!) but that I also don’t think kids should have books at school. Oh, sure, they contain knowledge and facts and all that stuff. But they also break your back and get messed up within a couple years and then kids are still assigned those filthy things (germ-ridden with boogers hidden) for years to come. Tablets, iPads, Kindles, any e-reader would make way more sense. But lots of people, mostly adults, still don’t get how uncool AND UNHEALTHY books are. Yo, all you adults: Books are yesterday’s news. Heck, they’ve hardly changed since the printing press was invented in the 1400s. That means for over 500 years, they’ve made like ZERO progress. They’re still built exactly the same: a cover with lots of pages of print inside.

Let’s think of all the other stuff that hasn’t changed in over 500 years. How about medicine? Any doctor out there still splitting people’s heads open with an ax to get rid of the demons that are giving them headaches? I didn’t think so.

How about transportation? “Attention, all passengers scheduled to leave on Flight 875 from New York to Los Angeles. You all need to report instead to the nearby stables for your new rides.”

How about communication? “Hey, I have to get a message to Miguel in Spain right away.” “Okay, Tom, I’ll get the boat ready for a nice little voyage. Shouldn’t take us over three or four months. That’s assuming we can catch the right currents, of course.”

So how come adults still think we’re supposed to do things the same way with reading that they did back before Columbus’s time?

And now I have a new reason to get rid of books. They’re killing us. Don’t believe me? Read this brill poem and I think you’ll be singing a different tune real soon.

WHY BOOKS ARE KILLING US
(A Message to All Adults, Especially Teachers and Parents)

by Dr. Crankenfuss

The need for books
Is gettin’ pretty small
Adults still love ’em
But they’re no good at all.

To make all that paper
It takes lots of trees.
It’s better to NOT kill nature.
Can’t we all agree?

To get books from the printers
To stores requires trucks.
Trucks run on oil,
Which really kind of sucks

‘Cause oil leads to pollution
Which fouls up all the air
If we keep reading books
My lungs ain’t got a prayer.

IPads don’t kill trees;
Kindles don’t foul air.
Let’s get rid of books
And treat kids like you care.

I believe that says it all.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr Crankenfuss