Tag Archives: YA

Freak Speak

Since when is your finger considered a private part?

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Humor Post #108 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

I got quite a chortle the other night when I was watching ESPN’s NBA playoff coverage. See, there was this game between the Miami Heat and the Chicago Bulls a few nights before. They were playing in Miami and the Bulls weren’t doing so hot. Actually they were getting killed by the Heat and a few of their guys got technicals and thrown out of the game. Joakim Noah, their center, was one of them. As he was leaving the court after getting the old heave-ho, this fruitcake ‘roid-raged dyed-blond lady fan got in his grill and gave him the middle finger. They showed it a bunch of times on TV.

That’s not what made me laugh. No, what’s so funny is that now TV shows are putting the photo on air, but they’re blurring out the middle finger of that lady. It’s like they’re showing someone’s face who needs their identity protected or a part of the body that’s usually covered up by a bra or underpants.

This is hilarious, people! It’s not like we don’t know what’s under that blur. It’s her finger! Woooh, pretty dirty! Hey, I know what a finger looks like. And it’s not like it’s a nasty part of the body either. I could see that logic if she’d thrown her breast into Noah’s face. (Oh, how I wish that was the case.) Now she might want that covered up. But I don’t think she’s all that embarrassed by the appearance of her finger. (If you ask me, it’s her face that should be blurred out. Just look up the picture and see if you don’t agree.)

I guess the next move will be if some guy is yelling out some blankety-blank comment at a player and a photographer takes a still shot of him shouting, on TV they’ll show him with his mouth or his head blurred out. After all, we don’t want little children seeing his tongue in the process of making that sound, do we?

Anyway, here’s my idea. If the middle finger needs to be blurred, shouldn’t there be a new piece of clothing sold to cover it up at all times. After all, it must be a no-no part of our body if they can’t show it on TV. We could call a “third finger thing.” Or “third finger thong.” Or how about a “finger flap”? If you have any other ideas for names, let me know. But be sure to give me a cut of the profits if you start selling these things. I’m sure everyone will be lining up to buy them. I mean, we don’t want our privates to show, do we?

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

CRANKENFUSS’S GOT A WARNING AND IT’S ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING

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Humor Post #106 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Okay, it’s been maybe a couple weeks since I gave y’all one of my die-no-might poems. Many of you know — and the rest of the world should know — that I’m pretty decent when it comes to puttin’ together a poem, be it a rap or something a bit more regular. I have a hard time keeping them apart myself. I’ll let you judge what kind this one is. Just judge that it’s awesome, okay? And dudes, while you’re at it,
Go spread da word/ ‘Bout dis rare cranky bird/ He speaks da truth/ To all bangin’ youth./He knows where it’s at/Ain’t no doubt o’ that/ He soars da highest/ Cause he’s da flyest.

THE CURE FOR GLOBAL WARMING
by Dr. Crankenfuss

The Earth is heatin’ up
The temps make record highs
The ocean’s much too warm
That leads to rising tides

The tides rush into streets
Buildings wash away
Peeps build sandbag walls
The waves say, “Make my day!”

Beach peeps got lots o’ problems
They want the Gov to cure ’em
The Gov ain’t got the answers
I’m glad I live in Durham

Our altitude’s 400 feet
Plenty high enough, that’s true
But if things start acceleratin’
I’ll have an ocean view

No way I’m stickin’ around
I’m puttin’ my theory to the test
I’m askin’ my mom to look
For a condo on Everest

If she won’t go for that
There’s only one way to stay afloat
I’ll spend the next twenty years
Convertin’ our house to a boat

So that’s it for now, all your freaky dudes out there.
Here’s to rappin’ our way to da stars.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

YOU LIKE THE MORNING NEWS ON TV? HERE’S WHAT YOU’RE REALLY GETTING.

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Humor Post #102 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Well, some of you were probably surprised that Ol’ Doctor Crankenfuss had something serious to say in his last post. And he even said it in poetry! Well, that didn’t last too long. I’m back and ready to rant. Today it’s about what a bunch of people call The Morning News. People all over the country turn on their tv around 7:00 to get a quick fix of the news and weather before they go to work. The most important word here is “quick.” I recorded the CBS Morning News this morning (Friday, April 5, 2013) and I totaled up how much news they actually give you, minute by minute. Here’s what I found out. (Long story short: They should call it “The Morning Little Bit of News.”)
THE FIRST HALF HOUR
8:00 – 8:19 — National and International News
8:19 – 8:20 — Local weather and traffic
8:20 – 8:21 — CBS telling you what’s coming up soon, you know, like previews at a movie theater. (Kind of like a commercial. Or what people call a ‘teaser.’)
8:21 – 8:25 — Commercials
8:25 – 8:26 — Another minute of previews (or teasers) from CBS. See, they haven’t had any real news since 8:19 and they’re trying to keep you in front of the tv. (“Don’t go away,” they say. “Look at this cool stuff we have coming up soon.”)
8:26 – 8:29 — Local news, weather, and traffic. About one minute for each. The local news almost always has half of it (or all of it) devoted to a car accident or a murder or a fire.
8:29 – 8:30 — Commercials
TOTALS FOR FIRST HALF HOUR:
National/international news = 19 minutes
Local news/weather/traffic = 4 minutes
Commercials and previews = 7 minutes
CONCLUSION: NOT TOO BAD. BOTTOM LINE -> 23 minutes of news, 7 minutes of commercials.

THE SECOND HALF HOUR — Watch what happens now! It’s the ol’ switcheroo!!
8:30 – 8:40 — National/international news
8:40 – 8:45 — Commercials
8:45 – 8:47 — National/international news
8:47:00 – 8:47:30 — Local weather (30 seconds)
8:47:30 – 8:48 — Preview/teaser of what’s coming up (30 seconds)
8:48 – 8:52 — Commercials
8:52 – 8:52:30 — Preview/teaser (30 seconds. You see how it works?)
8:52:30 – 8:56 — Commercials (30 seconds)
8:56 – 8:59 — Local news, weather, and traffic (about one minute of each)
8:59 – 9:00 — Commercials
TOTALS FOR SECOND HALF HOUR:
National/international news = 12 minutes
Local news/weather/traffic = 3 1/2 minutes
Commercials and previews = 14 1/2 minutes
((WOW!! Look how it changes from the first half to the second half hour. The main difference is they take out seven minutes of the news and MAGICALLY CHANGE THEM INTO COMMERCIALS.))
CONCLUSION: AY, CARAMBA!! BOTTOM LINE -> 15 1/2 minutes of news, 14 1/2 minutes of commercials.

FINAL LESSON TO BE LEARNED:
If you want to get the best bang for your buck (at least when it comes to watching The CBS Morning News), watch from 8:00 to 8:20. Then run and wash up or get dressed or whatever and if you really want ONE WHOLE MINUTE of local news, come back at 8:26. And if you want the teeniest, weeniest bang for your buck, watch the second half hour which is almost 50% commercials and teasers.

How’s that for some amazing analysis from Dr. Crankenfuss? Not bad, eh, especially from a middle schooler? Well anyway, hope you learned something. I know I did. I learned when I’m playing my video games, almost all the time I spend is playing my video games. Now that’s a good use of time, at least compared to watching the news on tv.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (and a great media analyst to boot)
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

My Cure for Global Warming (or Climate Change, or whatever u want to call it)

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Humor Post #97 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Dr. Crankenfuss is worried. He was on the web last night — that was his first mistake — and he found this article. It’s all about how the earth is the hottest now since it’s been since the DAWN OF CIVILIZATION! That means it’s hotter now than it’s been for like 11,000 years! That’s older than all my teachers put together. Here’s the main graph that shows the OMG spike.

See that huge spike at the end? That's the last 100 years or so. (This graph was in the article linked to above at MSNBC and it was called WARMING FASTEST SINCE DAWN OF CIVILIZATION, STUDY SHOWS.)

This is happening right now, people! Okay, you say you’re not worried, that you’ll just keep snarfing down those chicken wings and watch March Madness. Well, Dr. Crankenfuss watches the news. And he has eyes and a brain. So here, in his usual poetic style, he’s going to tell you what he’s going to do save his butt, at least.

THE CURE FOR GLOBAL WARMING

The earth is heating up,
The temps make record highs,
The ocean’s much too warm,
That leads to rising tides.

The tides rush into streets,
Buildings wash away,
People build sand barriers,
The waves say, “Make my day!”

Beach people got big problems,
They want the Gov to cure ’em,
The Gov ain’t got the answers,
I’m glad I live in Durham.

Our altitude’s 400 feet,
Plenty high, that’s true.
But if things start accelerating,
I’ll have an ocean view.

No way I’m stickin’ around,
I’m putting’ my theory to the test,
I’m askin’ my mom to look
For a condo on Everest.

If she won’t go for that,
Only one way we’ll stay afloat,
I’ll spend the next twenty years
Converting our house to a boat.

See you on the high seas, matey!

From Your Dude with the Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss (soon to be Captain Crankenfuss)

Freak Speak

Handshake Horror

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Humor Post #95 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Okay, it’s time to admit it. I have a great fear of handshakes. They’re not exactly as bad as running into someone with a gun, but they’re not far behind. See, I know what they’re for and how they’re supposed to work. Two bro’s spot each other in the hall, they’re all bonky with happiness cause they haven’t seen each other in like maybe a day, and they give that crosshand clasp thing (sort of like an arm wrestling position) which leads into some kind of hug. Or they do that and then add a finger grip or a slip away move to it. Or all three (or is it four?) Or maybe there’s a slap on the shoulder or back. And let’s not forget the option of a wiggly finger send-off.

Then there’s the problem of the pre-shake action. It can start when the two of you are maybe three or four feet apart. Do you come in with your right arm forward and your left arm way out to the side like you’re ready for a big, happy bear hug? I see  pro athletes do that all the time. But what if I do that and my friend doesn’t? I look like a jerk. Besides, I don’t think anyone even likes me enough to do that one.

And that’s just the start. Let’s see, the fist bump is okay. Well, the idea is okay, but how hard do you do it. If you give it too light, the other guy thinks you’re chicken. If you give it too hard, a fight could start. And what if the other guy puts his hand in a fist but then starts a top-and-bottom kind of fist bump, you know, a two-parter. Very tricky!

The old fashioned grown-up kind is easy, but not many people I know do that one. I read that the handshake was supposedly invented in the Dark Ages when it was supposed to show you didn’t have a weapon in your hand. You know, like two guys checking each other out. I guess they really needed that in the Dark Ages, seeing how dark it was and all. But if I try that on someone my age, it can look so dorky. Like I’m little Mr. Businessman or something.

High fives can be good. Unless you try one and the other person doesn’t and all they get is a nice view of your underarm. Or you end up hitting them in the face with your elbow. And some people say high fives are out. How they know beats me. But somehow they do.

And let’s not even go to what you’re supposed do with a girl.

This is a big problem, people, and it’s even bigger cause I think I might be the only guy who worries about it. Everyone else seems to enjoy handshakes (or greetings, or whatever they’re called). Most people seem to laugh or at least smile when they’re giving them. Me, I’ve gotten into trying to predict what the other guy is going to do and changing my motion really fast so he won’t notice I don’t have a clue.

Can’t there be just one kind of handshake for everybody? Why is the world so complicated? Why not just hold up a sign that says, “Yo dude, wuzzup?”

Well, all this honesty has gotten me in a funk. Till next time, I guess. If you see me, be nice and just wave or call out from across the hall.

Your Dude with no ‘Tude (today, anyway),
Dr. Crankenfuss