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Freak Speak

DON’T BUY “LOVE THUG.” WHY NOT? BECAUSE IT’LL BE FREE ON WED-FRI (JULY 10-12)

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News from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Usually I refer to my posts as humor posts because, as you well know, they’re funny. Not this one! This one is serious and if you listen to me, you’ll save money. Not a whole lot, mind you. A whole $2.99. But that’s not chicken feed for someone my age. So get ready to get smart.

ATTENTION, ALL PEOPLE!
(And that means you too!)

DON’T BUY LOVE THUG!
DON’T BUY LOVE THUG!
DON’T BUY LOVE THUG!

Why not??? Because it’s going to be
FREE AT AMAZON JULY 10-12 (WED-FRI).

If you don’t know LOVE THUG, it’s a very funny book. You can read all about it at LOVE THUG’s page at Amazon. Check out those reviews. Read a few pages. That’s all it’ll take to convince you the book is worth every penny you’ll spend when it’s free. Now this is normally not an expensive book. Hey, a Big Mac costs more. But wouldn’t you rather get a Big Mac for free than paying for it?

I’ll say it again (in case you don’t read too good or have ADD like me).
On Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, Daniel’s having a big sale.
LOVE THUG will be FREE on those days (July 10-12).
So hold off for a few days, then come to Amazon and get it for NOTHING!

And Daniel told me to tell you if you don’t like the book,
he’ll refund all the money you spent!

Funny guy, that Daniel.
NOT!

Just trying to help.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

I’m Going to Set Up My Own Demolition Derby (or NASCAR event) in Durham

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Humor Post #116 from The World’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Well, it’s time for a change. Instead of hearing Crankenfuss rant about what’s wrong with things, today I’m going to show you (IN A VERY COOL VIDEO) something right. Right in the middle of Durham, NC, that is — that’s where I live. See there’s this railroad bridge that goes over a road. There are all kinds of signs and warnings leading up to the bridge. Why? Because the bridge is 11 feet 8 inches high. That’s kind of low for a bridge clearance. And lots of truck and rec vehicle owners don’t seem to know how tall the things they’re driving are. So BOOM, CRASH, SLASH, BANG!! about once a month a roof of one of these things get ripped off by the bridge. And here’s the video to prove it. It’s a mashup of a whole bunch of stuff from 11foot8.com, a website of Jurgen Henn, who set up two cameras to record people’s dumbicity.

CLICK HERE TO SEE DUMB DRIVERS GET WHAT THEY DESERVE.
WARNING: IT’S FUNNY AND GRUESOME AT THE SAME TIME.

How cool is that? It’s like the Darwin Awards for drivers. Hey, it’s not like drivers aren’t warned. There are signs and lights that start flashing if you vehicle is too tall. That doesn’t stop Mr. or Ms. Chucklehead though, does it?

“Why don’t they fix it?” you ask. Because it would cost MILLIONS of dollars and no one wants to pay it, that’s why. (You can read lots more details at 11foot8.com.)

Anyway, I’m thinking I could rent some space in front of this bridge. Set up some bleachers, ya know. Charge maybe $10 a head for people to sit there, sell them some hot dogs, ice cream, lemonade (hot chocolate in the winter) while they wait for the next big bang. I mean Durham doesn’t have NASCAR or a Demolition Derby, but this could be almost as good.

What do you think?

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (and the eye for making a bit of quick cash),
Dr. Crankenfuss

P.S. Any investors out there?

Freak Speak

Daniel’s First Attempt at Flash Fiction. See what you think.

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Yes, I know this is a shock. “What the #$%&@#%$ happened to Dr. Crankenfuss? He looks awful!” you’re saying. “Was he in some kind of industrial accident?” Well, no, the Crank is fine. That’s not Dr. Crankenfuss on the left at all. It’s me: Daniel Berenson, the head guy at Freaky Dude Books and the dude who’s nice enough (so far) to lease some space in his head to the good doctor.

And now you’re no doubt thinking, “Just look at him! What’s he got to smile about?” Well, a lot actually. My books are getting more noticed, all the reviews (over 40 of them) are 4 or 5 starred (except for one). I’m in the middle of editing and formatting my sixth book, a poetry book by and for kids, and it will be coming out in September. Also I’m happy to announce that I’ll be giving away a bunch of free stuff in the next few weeks so keep checking back or you might miss it.

But as the title of this post states, this is my first stab at Flash Fiction, which is literature for the Twitter generation, I guess. I entered a contest. There were five categories — stuff like “Write a murder mystery that has a party in it and doesn’t have over 50 words, including the title,” or “Write a romance with a horse in it somewhere. 45 words max.” I chose, “Write a children’s poem about The Adventures of Max Little. It has to involve bravery or courage and can’t be over 40 words, including the title.”

Here was my entry:

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

Max Little wanted dinner:
Something like himself.
So he scuba dove
Down to an ocean shelf.

He battled squid and octopi.
He survived, but with a limp.
But Max got his dinner —
Tasty jumbo shrimp.

Total = 40 words

Was I pleased with myself or what? A sure winner, I thought. Okay, it’s not aimed at kids exactly. Would most children get the exact parallelism between “Max Little” and “jumbo shrimp”? Did the contest judges? But fighting squid and octopi? Hey, that’s very courageous. Remember that big squid — or was it an octopus? — in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. That guy was ginormous.

Long story short. (Ha, ha. See how I incorporated the essence of Flash Fiction into those three little words?) I LOST. “No, no way!” you say. WAY! Anyhoo, it’s they who have truly lost. Now I have the rights to this poem and it will be my first entry in my Flash Fiction oeuvre. And I’ll add it to my Poetic Poetry page. Now it’s time for my next self-imposed challenge: Dinner for two within one hour using only chicken, oleomargarine, and mosquito repellent. Ooh, Maureen’s gonna love this!

Freak Speak

iPad and Kindle Workers Don’t Make Enough, But That’s Also True For a Lot of our Stuff

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Humor Post #115 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Whew, I’ve had a kind of rough time since I put out that BOOKS ARE EVIL post. See I was arguing that Kindles and iPads made more sense for kids than paper books. You can go back and read it if you want. Some people agreed with me, but some got kind of mad at me. I guess I need a thicker skin. Now how do I grow one of those and if I do, will I look more like an elephant?

That was supposed to be a joke. Pretty bad, huh? Okay, you don’t have to agree so loudly.

But I am willing to admit one big problem with our tablets that I didn’t know much about when I wrote that article. They all seem to be made in China or some country in Asia where workers make like, if they’re lucky, a dollar a day. That’s bad. And I checked out some of my books and they’re all printed in the USA. So I’m ready to say we should be willing to pay a bit more for tablets if they could be made here. But then I figured out something else. Most everything we buy that’s not food comes from Asia. And our food is mostly picked by workers from Mexico and Central America. And I’m not exaggerating. Look at my house. I mean we have a Samsung television and an Hitachi TV. Asia. Our refrigerator and washer/dryer are all LG. Asia.

Then I went through my clothes. Guess how many brands were made in the USA. Guess. No, I really mean Guess. My Guess shirt was practically the only thing I could find made in the USA. I have New Balance sneaks made in China, shirts made in Pakistan, Korea, China, Hong Kong, Taiwan, India. And I just saw on the news tonight about a clothes factory in Bangladesh where they have girls as young as 12 working there and another building fell down a month or two ago nearby and over 1000 people died. Over 1000 and they were all making clothes!! Imagine if something like that happened here. I think it would take up quite a bit of news time, don’t you? And tonight they showed the labels of the clothes those people in Bangladesh were making. The labels said ASICs and Wrangler and WalMart. (I’m sure there were other brands at other factories, but that’s what they showed tonight.)

So I gotta say it. And I’ll say it in a poem. Natch.

TABLETS AND OTHER STUFF WE NEED AND LIKE A LOT
by Dr. Crankenfuss

I don’t understand it,
What can I say?
Almost nothing I own’s
Made in the US of A.

My shoes come from Vietnam or China,
Calvin Klein’s made in Hong Kong,
Almost the only thing I have not from the far East
Is a polyester shirt from Oman.

India, Korea, Pakistan,
Don’t matter if it’s for a woman or a man,
I don’t know what happened to all the US workers,
Must be they’re all frying fast food burgers.

So I guess to be fair I should give up my iPad,
Its workers are exploited and somehow that’s my bad,
I could read paper books printed here I suppose
But shouldn’t I also learn to live without clothes?

Just sayin’.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude (who’s still learning, ya know),
Dr. Crankenfuss
P.S. And thanks to everybody who gave me your ideas here or at LinkedIn, Facebook, and GoodReads. It’s cool to get mail from you.

Freak Speak

“BOOKS ARE EVIL. LET’S BAN BOOKS!” — a follow-up reply to my critics

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Humor Post #114 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Oh, I just found out something in the last week. I kind of knew it already but now I’m sure about it. Here’s what I learned: IF YOU WANT TO GET ATTENTION, SAY SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL. What I’m talking about is my post — and BTW, it’s called a HUMOR POST and every one of my posts out of the last 90 or so has those two words right at the top — entitled “BOOKS ARE EVIL. THEY’RE KILLING US. LET’S BAN BOOKS!” It’s gotten some fan mail, but it’s also gotten some  me-not-like-you-very-much-at-all mail. (Daniel put it up at LinkedIn too.) Now I like the fan mail of course. And I gotta admit I’m hurt a bit by the other kind. I have feelings too, believe it or not. Now I know that I give off a pretty arrogant attitude on this blog. It’s on purpose. Hey, I call myself DR. CRANKENFUSS. Whaddya expect with a name like that? Look at my t-shirt. Look at that portrait that goes at the top of my posts. Hey, in real life I’m nicer looking than that. I don’t really have steam coming out of my ears. And I’m not nearly as bald as that guy is. Dr. Crankenfuss is my persona. And yes, I do know what a persona is. And I know what irony is too. Dr. C is exaggerized (that’s half exaggerated and half aggrandized).

I went back to my very first post at Freaky Dude Books and it says the squeaky wheel gets the grease and I’m going to be that squeaky wheel. I called myself a “cranky curmudgeon” and said I’m a know-it-all. That’s the way I act online. I already wrote posts about how in real life, I’m kind of shy — see Handshake Horror, for example — and that I don’t have a girlfriend. Ooh, that hurts to admit. But here on the web, I get to act like I want. I’m Dr. Crankenfuss.

But I also found out I’m getting the most response from that BOOKS ARE EVIL post. Ever since then, I’ve had one really complimentary post about this 91-year-old Sy Perlis and called him my hero, and just a few days ago, I had this very serious essay about bullying in schools. They both took me a long time. Guess how many responses I’ve gotten from them. Practically none. What good is it to write stuff if no one cares? Lots of people say they like hearing good news. Well, my Sy Perlis post was totally good news and my bullying post was not good news, because bullying isn’t good, but I did say for people to hang in there and things would get better. That’s very positive coming from Crankenfuss.

And Crankenfuss knows how to be ironic. On May 31, I wrote a post called WHAT’S WITH THE WAY WE USE FORKS AND KNIVES AT THE TABLE. IT’S CRA-A-A-Z-Z-Y! Now I know it’s not CRAZY! I was exaggerizing again.

So I’ll put this post up but I already have two more reasons why Kindles and iPads and Nooks are the way to go in the future instead of books, but I don’t want to get too off-topic here so come back in a few days for those.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss