Tag Archives: YA

Freak Speak

It’s time to get rid of the penny. And the nickel too!

Leave a comment

Humor Post #94 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

What I’m about to tell you is actually old news, but I bet very few of you know about it. But of course that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? Why bother reading the news when ol’ Crankenfuss can keep you up to date. Good reasoning, I’d say.

Anyway, here’s the scoop: Canada is getting rid of the penny. No, silly, not just one of them. All of them. Here’s a link to the story in the New York Times. Just the first few paragraphs will give you enough of the picture.

Now any of you who’ve been reading me for a while know that I’m no big fan of how our money is put together. I realized this when I was trying to teach my little pal Jojo how to count money. And that experience kind of made me blow my top. In case you forgot, the whole sad experience is right here.

And now I just found this other article that makes me even madder. Go ahead, you can read it for yourself. Or here it is in short form. Our country is throwing away a penny for every penny we make! And it costs us ten cents just to make a nickel! Now I’m no business whiz, but those numbers are just wacked, aren’t they? How can we be wasting money like that?

But I’m not one just to complain about a problem. Well actually I usually am, but today I have a solution. Let’s get rid of the penny and while we’re at it, let’s get rid of the nickel. In their place, we can have — get ready for this — THE CRANKENCOIN. It’ll be worth 5 cents but it’ll cost next to nothing to produce cause we can make them out of old bottle caps. They can be had for zero and it’ll help recycling. I’ve even come up with a design for the coin. Here it is:

the crankencoin, created by Dr. Crankenfuss at Freaky Dude Books
THE CRANKENCOIN -- The answer to our money problems.

See, it’s all patriotic and stuff with the red, white, and blue, and it has the national symbol for awesome coolness — ME! It’ll probably be better to flatten out all the bottle caps so they’ll go in our pockets better, but hey, that’s not up to me. And the government could put whatever they want on the other side, maybe a president or someone even more important, like a rap star or Katy Perry or somebody like that.

So there you go. Another problem seen and solved by

Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

The post office won’t give a kid a 6″ piece of tape for his package. What’s with that?

Leave a comment

Humor Post #77 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Last post I had something nice to say. For once. I said I liked my mailman even though I thought his job wasn’t long for this world. Well, I changed my mind. That’s what I get for being nice. Oh, my mailman’s still okay. Unless they move his job to behind the counter at the post office. Then I won’t like him anymore.

“Huh?” you’re saying (and not quietly either). Let me explain. I wanted to send a few CDs I’d made to my cousin yesterday so I got my mom to take me to the post office cause they have those padded kinds of envelopes I needed. So I get the package, which costs $1.79. Sounds fair. Everything’s copacetic so far. I write the address and all that on the package, stick in the CDs, and I’m set to go. I get up to the guy behind the counter, he weighs the package, and I pay him for the stamps. Still everything’s just fine and dandy.

Then I ask him to put an extra piece of tape on the flap of the envelope to make sure the CDs don’t fall out, you know. No big deal, I think, and better safe than sorry and all that.  Well, it turns out it IS a big deal. “You didn’t send your package priority mail so we can’t give you any tape,” the guy says.

Are you kidding me? A lousy piece of tape? What’s it gotta cost the post office — maybe half a cent? I just gave the guy like four bucks for my stuff and this is the gentle kindness I receive. I asked him again about it and he said again that if I sent the package priority mail, he’d put a piece of tape on it. But that would cost me extra, like way more than half a cent extra. Sure, it would get there a couple days earlier but hey, my cousin’s getting the music for free. He doesn’t even know he’s getting it since it’s a surprise. What’s he care if it comes in two days or five days?

So I know the post office is in trouble and all that, but saving your precious pieces of tape ain’t gonna solve the problem, bro’. I just hope that package doesn’t break open or I might have to find a lawyer. One that specializes in kids that would look sweet and sympathetic on the news.

So, ol’ Crankenfuss still likes his mailman. It’s just that he doesn’t feel so bad about the post office being in trouble anymore.

So all of you out there, stay strong, stay smart, and plan ahead if you’re sending any packages at the post office. Bring your own tape.

Have a good day/week/month/year/life.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

What’s wrong with football, baseball, and soccer? How about their names?

Leave a comment

Humor Post #68 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Anyone catch any of the NBA playoffs? Pretty awesome stuff. Those guys can do stuff on their own that the rest of us would need pulleys, ropes, wires, and green screens to bring off. But I realized that there’s something else good about basketball. Its name makes sense. Basket + ball = a game where you try to get a ball into a basket. How simple! How truthful! How sensible!

Now let’s talk about football, America’s most popular sport by far. It’s so popular they still talk about it almost every night on ESPN and the season ended almost six months ago. But the trouble is that football is hardly played with the feet at all, unless you count running. But then shouldn’t we call every sport (except hockey) runball? Anyway, you do use your feet in football, sure, but at the very most once every four or five plays. Usually it’s less. Now there IS a game that uses your feet much more. It’s called football. Well, uh… that’s what it’s called in every other country in the world except ours. We call that sport soccer. Huh? But even football/soccer would be better named as foot and head ball since a bunch of goals are scored by headers (which is hitting the ball with your head, for those of you who don’t live on Earth).

Okay, you say baseball does have people running to bases. Yes, you are so right, but you are so wrong that that’s the best way to describe the game. Wouldn’t the bat, or the actions of pitching and catching have as much or more to do with the game? Besides, getting on base isn’t the ultimate goal. Getting to the fourth base is! So baseball, you strike out too.

Well, what about hockey? you ask. (Or maybe you don’t, but hey, it’s my blog and Ima be in charge.) Hockey is basically just a soccer… uh, football game played on ice. A bunch of guys trying to get a ball (or a ball substitute) into a goal surrounded by a net. (That goes for lacrosse too.) Nothing in the name hockey even suggests a hockey stick, kind of an essential part of the game, wouldn’t ya think? And there’s other games called hockey, like field hockey. And what’s a hock anyway? Just askin’.

Bowling? Where’s the bowl? Golf?? Tennis??

There goes Crankenfuss, you say. Always pointing out the problems, but never anything good to say. True enough. Most of the time. But today I have a few sports where the names DO MAKE SENSE. Handball! Yep, it’s not that popular, but you score every point by hitting a ball with your hand. What a concept! Notice that it’s not called wallball though that would at least include an important part of the game. And there’s swimming. Ah, a sport that tells it like it is.

Diving.
The 100 meter dash.
The high jump.
Long jump.
Calf roping.
Dumpster diving.

And how about fishing? I’m talking about fighting those marlins and swordfish, not sitting around drinking beer all day in a rowboat and catching minnows. And one more great one: bullfighting! Even though it’s not really a fair fight, what with them stabbing the bull about a gajillion times (by the picadors; you can look it up) before the matador ever gets into the ring, it still pretty much summarizes what’s going on.

So in closing I’ll say… I’m through. ‘Nuff said. Game, set, and match to
Dr. Crankenfuss
Your Dude with the Tude

Freak Speak

I wish I was as sick as a dog! That would be some sweet action!

Leave a comment

Humor Post #54 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

Here’s another of those stupidissimo  expressions you hear all the time: sick as a dog. What’s with that piece of rot? Daniel has a dog, a collie named Lance. Talk about cool. You can see him doing a magic trick here. Now Lance is about as regular a dog as you can find and one thing that’s easy to say about Lance — he hardly ever gets sick. He goes to the vet like once or twice every year, once for his yearly checkup and shots and once to get shaved for the summer. Almost never for being sick. (Though he did have a bad case of fleas once, thanks to Daniel being too careless, or too cheap, to put flea stuff on him.) Anyway, I can safely say I wish I was as sick as Lance. Man, I’d put doctors out of business!

Now I know there will be a few of you who look up the phrase and you’ll write to say, “Oh, you stupid Crankenfuss, People say that because dogs will eat almost anything and then when they eat something bad for them, they throw up. That’s where the expression comes from.” And I’d fire right back at you, “Fair enough, Bullet Head, but it’s still a dumb expression because whenever I see a dog throw up, he’s over it in about 10 seconds. They get rid of the bad stuff inside and then they’re ready to go on with their walk. I’ve seen it many times. Usually when humans throw up, they call in sick and stay home, and lots of them moan and whine for hours. Not Lance. Within a few minutes, he’s ready to eat again. Sometimes he even wants to eat his own barf! Yeah, that’s pretty sick, I know, but it’s still a sign he’s got a positive attitude. A sure sign of good health, I’d say.”

And on top of all that, he can eat anything he likes and he never ever gets fat. How many of the rest of us can say that?

So here are a few alternatives I’ve come up with for “sick as a dog,” every one of them way more accurate. Feel free to use them. You don’t even have to give me credit.
— Sick as a guy with bubonic plague (Look it up. Those buboes were beyond y-e-c-c-h-h!)
— Sick as an asparagus eater
— Sick as someone who’s forced to listen to Justin Bieber for 5 hours
— Sick as a zombie with the flu (See, they’re already dead, ugly, and starving, and then they get the flu on top of that. That’s gotta hurt!)

And while we’re in this fascinating conversation about dog barf and other sicko stuff, how about that beaut “I’m feeling under the weather”? Hello! Aren’t we all under the weather? Okay maybe if you’re an astronaut or a space alien, you’re not, but by definition the rest of us are. So there’s another cliché to stay clear of.

That’s enough for today. More to come within two days.

From Your Dude with a ‘Tude,
your thinker who’s no stinker,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

Hungry as a horse? Oh, we can do better than that!

Leave a comment

Humor Post #53 from the world’s Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School Blog (and probably the awesomest YA blog too) –

This one’ll be kinda short so here goes.
What’s with these silly sayings we use all the time? I don’t know whether to call them clichés or expressions or whatever they are; all I know is a lot of them are — how shall I put this nicely? — DUMB, DUMB, DUMB! Like today, we’re on our way to lunch and Joe (someone you probably don’t know) says, “I gotta get to the cafeteria. I’m as hungry as a horse.” Now nothing against Joe or anything. He’s not dumb or anything, but why do people say “hungry as a horse”? Now I got nothing against horses either but are they hungrier than other animals? (Same question with “hungry as a bear”.) Why didn’t Joe say, “I’m as hungry as a teenager”? Now any parent will tell you that’s way more accurate cause they’re always complaining about how much their kids eat. We can’t help it; we’re having our growth spurt. (BTW, I wish mine would start spurting a lot more. Like a geyser would be nice. Then maybe I’d be better in basketball.)

I looked up which animals eat the most and there’s lots of stuff out there, but it seems that hummingbirds are definitely near the top of the list. One site says they eat 2/3 of their weight each day. Most of it is sugar. Wow, who wouldn’t go for that? But they’re also so hungry they eat lots of bugs. Now that’s HUNGRY with a capital H and a U and an N and … Oh, you get the picture. Another site, named Birdola, of all things, says hummingbirds eat TWICE their weight each day. And they eat every 10 minutes!! Now let’s see a horse do that! The horse would have to eat like 500 or 1000 pounds of food a day. Hay, that’s a lot! Ha, ha, get it? Okay, I know it’s dumb.

I spent some time thinking of other dumbissimo clichés like that one and it wasn’t too hard. If you feel like, you can even send me one and I’ll use it if I haven’t thought of it yet. So get ready for a barrage of bull hockey in the next week or two. There’s a lot of expressions that need to be 187ed. Okay, if that’s too strong for you, how about “put out to pasture”?

Thanks for listening and remember, I’m always out here, lookin’ out for ya’.

Note: You know the real reason I’m stopping right now? I have to raid the refrigerator cause I’m hungry as a hummingbird.

from Dr. Crankenfuss,
The Dude with the ‘Tude