Tag Archives: humor

Freak Speak

“BOOKS ARE EVIL. LET’S BAN BOOKS!” — a follow-up reply to my critics

Leave a comment

Humor Post #114 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Oh, I just found out something in the last week. I kind of knew it already but now I’m sure about it. Here’s what I learned: IF YOU WANT TO GET ATTENTION, SAY SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL. What I’m talking about is my post — and BTW, it’s called a HUMOR POST and every one of my posts out of the last 90 or so has those two words right at the top — entitled “BOOKS ARE EVIL. THEY’RE KILLING US. LET’S BAN BOOKS!” It’s gotten some fan mail, but it’s also gotten some  me-not-like-you-very-much-at-all mail. (Daniel put it up at LinkedIn too.) Now I like the fan mail of course. And I gotta admit I’m hurt a bit by the other kind. I have feelings too, believe it or not. Now I know that I give off a pretty arrogant attitude on this blog. It’s on purpose. Hey, I call myself DR. CRANKENFUSS. Whaddya expect with a name like that? Look at my t-shirt. Look at that portrait that goes at the top of my posts. Hey, in real life I’m nicer looking than that. I don’t really have steam coming out of my ears. And I’m not nearly as bald as that guy is. Dr. Crankenfuss is my persona. And yes, I do know what a persona is. And I know what irony is too. Dr. C is exaggerized (that’s half exaggerated and half aggrandized).

I went back to my very first post at Freaky Dude Books and it says the squeaky wheel gets the grease and I’m going to be that squeaky wheel. I called myself a “cranky curmudgeon” and said I’m a know-it-all. That’s the way I act online. I already wrote posts about how in real life, I’m kind of shy — see Handshake Horror, for example — and that I don’t have a girlfriend. Ooh, that hurts to admit. But here on the web, I get to act like I want. I’m Dr. Crankenfuss.

But I also found out I’m getting the most response from that BOOKS ARE EVIL post. Ever since then, I’ve had one really complimentary post about this 91-year-old Sy Perlis and called him my hero, and just a few days ago, I had this very serious essay about bullying in schools. They both took me a long time. Guess how many responses I’ve gotten from them. Practically none. What good is it to write stuff if no one cares? Lots of people say they like hearing good news. Well, my Sy Perlis post was totally good news and my bullying post was not good news, because bullying isn’t good, but I did say for people to hang in there and things would get better. That’s very positive coming from Crankenfuss.

And Crankenfuss knows how to be ironic. On May 31, I wrote a post called WHAT’S WITH THE WAY WE USE FORKS AND KNIVES AT THE TABLE. IT’S CRA-A-A-Z-Z-Y! Now I know it’s not CRAZY! I was exaggerizing again.

So I’ll put this post up but I already have two more reasons why Kindles and iPads and Nooks are the way to go in the future instead of books, but I don’t want to get too off-topic here so come back in a few days for those.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

IF YOU WANT TO SEE SAW AT SCHOOL, GO TO PARIS

Leave a comment

Humor Post #111 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Yes, I know what many of you are saying. You’re saying, “Crankendoofus, if I want to see saw, I can do that in hundreds of playgrounds all over the USA.”

Nice try, dudes (and dudettes)! That’s not exactly what I’m talking about. See, my incredibly clever title got you all stumped, flummoxed, and discombobulated. Go to the link below and you’ll see what my headline meant. But be sure to come back when you’re done reading about it.

Click here and prepare to be shocked.

Like wha….?? That guy showed that movie to a class of sixth graders? If someone did that at my school, sure some people would cheer — mainly the boys — but a lot of others would chuck, as in upchuck. And parents would be coming in with tar and feathers and pitchforks (like in Frankenstein kinds of movies). But hey, look at how he got punished. A one day suspension! Like whoooo, they sure are strict over in France!

I guess ol’ Crankenfuss could put it like this (if he wanted to do a rap about it):

A REVOLUTIONARY WAY TO TEACH ANATOMY
THAT’S PRETTY REVOLTING

By Dr. Crankenfuss

If you want a cool anatomy class
That’ll put you in awe
You can’t do much better
Than seeing Saw.

It’s got lots of body parts,
And crimes against the law.
It’s kind of gross watching
Kids turned to cole slaw.

The teacher would get in trouble
But his punishment would be lame
‘Cause after one day of suspension
He can show you more of the same.

Most kids would probably hate it,
They’d barf their guts all out,
But horror fans would love it,
They’d scream and cheer and shout.

I don’t know about you
But if I get the chance
I’m sayin’ good-bye to my school
And moving to Paris, France.

From your Dude with the ‘Tude (and the totally sicko sense of humor),
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

BOOKS ARE EVIL. THEY’RE KILLING US. LET’S BAN BOOKS!

5 Comments

Humor Post #110 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Those of you who read me regularly — and I know there must be millions of you — know that I’m smart (like DUH!) but that I also don’t think kids should have books at school. Oh, sure, they contain knowledge and facts and all that stuff. But they also break your back and get messed up within a couple years and then kids are still assigned those filthy things (germ-ridden with boogers hidden) for years to come. Tablets, iPads, Kindles, any e-reader would make way more sense. But lots of people, mostly adults, still don’t get how uncool AND UNHEALTHY books are. Yo, all you adults: Books are yesterday’s news. Heck, they’ve hardly changed since the printing press was invented in the 1400s. That means for over 500 years, they’ve made like ZERO progress. They’re still built exactly the same: a cover with lots of pages of print inside.

Let’s think of all the other stuff that hasn’t changed in over 500 years. How about medicine? Any doctor out there still splitting people’s heads open with an ax to get rid of the demons that are giving them headaches? I didn’t think so.

How about transportation? “Attention, all passengers scheduled to leave on Flight 875 from New York to Los Angeles. You all need to report instead to the nearby stables for your new rides.”

How about communication? “Hey, I have to get a message to Miguel in Spain right away.” “Okay, Tom, I’ll get the boat ready for a nice little voyage. Shouldn’t take us over three or four months. That’s assuming we can catch the right currents, of course.”

So how come adults still think we’re supposed to do things the same way with reading that they did back before Columbus’s time?

And now I have a new reason to get rid of books. They’re killing us. Don’t believe me? Read this brill poem and I think you’ll be singing a different tune real soon.

WHY BOOKS ARE KILLING US
(A Message to All Adults, Especially Teachers and Parents)

by Dr. Crankenfuss

The need for books
Is gettin’ pretty small
Adults still love ’em
But they’re no good at all.

To make all that paper
It takes lots of trees.
It’s better to NOT kill nature.
Can’t we all agree?

To get books from the printers
To stores requires trucks.
Trucks run on oil,
Which really kind of sucks

‘Cause oil leads to pollution
Which fouls up all the air
If we keep reading books
My lungs ain’t got a prayer.

IPads don’t kill trees;
Kindles don’t foul air.
Let’s get rid of books
And treat kids like you care.

I believe that says it all.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

I JUST BOUGHT A NEW COMPUTER FOR A DOLLAR!

Leave a comment

Humor Post #107 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

It’s time for Dr. Crankenfuss to get all happy again. Yeah, I know that might make you sick, but I just found out something yesterday that blows my mind. See, I bought this computer for one whole dollar. It’s new. It’s perfect. It does everything I ask it to. Now don’t get me wrong. This ain’t no iMac or anything but it does exactly what it’s supposed to. What a great world we live in. Technology is getting better and better and cheaper and cheaper all the time.

If you had predicted this, say, 45 years ago, nobody would have believed you. Back then it costs a couple hundred dollars for this thing and people thought that was a pretty good price.

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Yeah, sure, you ol’ Crank, there’s gotta be a trick here somewhere, right?”

And I’m telling you there’s not. And to prove it, here’s a photo I just took of my new $1 computer.

a one dollar computer Bought it at the Dollar Store. Yeah, I know what you’re saying again. (I’m special that way.) You’re saying, “But Crank, that’s just a calculator. Of course, they’re cheap.”

Yes, they are, but they’re computers nonetheless. And my grandpa told me that back in the 70s (or, as I call it, in “medieval times”) a bunch of his friends chipped in for his birthday and bought him a calculator that probably was like this and it cost them over $100. And that price had come down in the last few years from much higher.

Think about how powerful this thing is. It can do math better than you ever could and it’s practically free. So when Dr. Crankenfuss goes on one his usual rants, just remind him that there really are some pretty cool things going on out there.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss

Freak Speak

CRANKENFUSS’S GOT A WARNING AND IT’S ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING

Leave a comment

Humor Post #106 from the world’s Awesomest & Crankiest Curmudgeon’s Middle School and YA Blog –

Okay, it’s been maybe a couple weeks since I gave y’all one of my die-no-might poems. Many of you know — and the rest of the world should know — that I’m pretty decent when it comes to puttin’ together a poem, be it a rap or something a bit more regular. I have a hard time keeping them apart myself. I’ll let you judge what kind this one is. Just judge that it’s awesome, okay? And dudes, while you’re at it,
Go spread da word/ ‘Bout dis rare cranky bird/ He speaks da truth/ To all bangin’ youth./He knows where it’s at/Ain’t no doubt o’ that/ He soars da highest/ Cause he’s da flyest.

THE CURE FOR GLOBAL WARMING
by Dr. Crankenfuss

The Earth is heatin’ up
The temps make record highs
The ocean’s much too warm
That leads to rising tides

The tides rush into streets
Buildings wash away
Peeps build sandbag walls
The waves say, “Make my day!”

Beach peeps got lots o’ problems
They want the Gov to cure ’em
The Gov ain’t got the answers
I’m glad I live in Durham

Our altitude’s 400 feet
Plenty high enough, that’s true
But if things start acceleratin’
I’ll have an ocean view

No way I’m stickin’ around
I’m puttin’ my theory to the test
I’m askin’ my mom to look
For a condo on Everest

If she won’t go for that
There’s only one way to stay afloat
I’ll spend the next twenty years
Convertin’ our house to a boat

So that’s it for now, all your freaky dudes out there.
Here’s to rappin’ our way to da stars.

From Your Dude with the ‘Tude,
Dr. Crankenfuss